All WellnessHow to Stop Bedtime Battles with Your ToddlerHow to Stop Bedtime Battles with Your Toddler Bedtime for your toddler…Everyone’s tired, parent and child, by the time bedtime rolls around. Unfortunately, your toddler may have a very different idea than you on how to fix that problem. Bedtime struggles are common for many families, but by helping your child to develop good sleep hygiene through a consistent bedtime routine, you’ll be on your way to fewer bedtime battles. Sleep Training: Good or Bad? Some parents strictly adhere to sleep training and do not allow their children to sleep in bed with them. And, for good reason, a wiggly toddler on a bouncy mattress can cause everyone to lose sleep. Other parents choose to let their children guide the sleep process because of their or their child’s personal needs. The side of the fence you fall on may depend on your family situation. Naturally anxious children may have trouble falling asleep and require a more relaxed approach. Children who successfully self-soothe may fall asleep easily. The important thing is to make sure your child is happy, healthy, and reaching milestones at appropriate times. As long as sleep training doesn’t seem to cause your child undue distress or harm and it allows you to get some much-needed sleep, go ahead and stick with it. On the other hand, if your child cries for hours until she vomits or has difficulty breathing, don’t feel guilty if you decide to take a different approach. Rather than focusing on training your child to sleep, help her to develop good sleep hygiene, such as a consistent bedtime and a bedtime routine. Child love repetition and bedtime routines work. The body, especially a child’s body, responds well to a regular schedule. As you keep a consistent bedtime routine, your child’s brain will automatically start releasing sleep hormones at the same time every day because it starts to recognize the established pattern. A consistent bedtime goes hand in hand with a bedtime routine as it trains your child’s brain how to fall asleep at the same time each day. To keep a consistent bedtime, you might need to plan in advance. If you want your child to pick up her toys before bed, leave plenty of time to do that before her bedtime routine starts. As much as fun as it might be to wrestle with mom or dad before bed, playtime should take place early in the evening. You want your child to be as calm and relaxed as possible. A bedtime routine should include activities that calm your toddler like reading a book, taking a warm bath, rocking, or singing a quiet song together. If your child wants to read the same book and sing the same song every night, that’s even better. Perform the activities at the same time in the same order every night. The last activity should have your child in bed and drowsy. You might feel like giving up after a few days, but routines take time to work, and some kids require a longer adjustment period than others. Stick with the routine for a few weeks before you try something else, but most importantly, be consistent. Lastly, a note about technology. Technology teaches kids some great things, but it can get in the way of your new bedtime routine. Cartoons and movies should not be included in the routine. The bright blue light from televisions, laptops, or smartphones can confuse the brain, making it believe it’s time to stay awake. Remove televisions and screens from your child’s room and turn off screens at least one hour before bedtime to prevent any confusion. Written by Sarah Johnson Community Relations sjohnson@tuck.com Like us on Facebook Follow us on Twitter Tuck Sleep is a community devoted to improving sleep hygiene, health and wellness through the creation and dissemination of comprehensive, unbiased, free web-based resources. Tuck has been featured on NPR, Lifehacker, Radiolab and is referenced by many colleges/universities and sleep organizations across the web.... Healthy MomsHealthy moms. How to let go of perfection? And that drive for perfection? What does perfection mean to you? Ultimately it is an illusion generated by media and airbrushing. Let go of at least one thing at a time. Ideas that lead to healthy mamas: Give up: Folding Laundry Give up: Putting away the dishes perfectly in the dish washer. Just shove them in. Start grocery shopping online Yoga Nidra app This is not meditation. Meditation is the new bad word, but it is also exhausting and tedious to think about and boring. This is yoga for the lazy. You literally lie down for 10 minutes and listen to this guy’s voice tell you to relax one body part at a time, and then at the end you breathe and then you are done. One of the markers that can lead to postpartum depression or anxiety is the overwhelming drive to perfection for many mothers and fathers. The key out of the perfection box is simple, you let go of one thing that needs to be done perfectly for sanity’s sake and you invest in one short cut, a cleaning person once a week? If you can afford it, fantastic. Shopping online with instacart or fresh direct, definitely. It is taking the all or nothing approach away and teaching one self to take in the shades of gray. Anxiety at a 10? Take a few notches down to a 4 or a 5.... Understanding Postpartum Psychosis, a Rare IllnessThough I normally do not watch Fox News, I believe their coverage of the recent murders of a husband and child due to postpartum psychosis is strong. Postpartum psychosis is a rare illness, it is not postpartum depression. Postpartum depression is an agitated over-worrying state where the mother or father clings to the baby and has a difficult time trusting others to care for the baby. Postpartum psychosis leads to homicide or and suicide. The coverage also emphasizes what the the warning signs can be. I also would like to include a history of thyroid disorders, and a history of psychosis can also trigger postpartum psychosis. “The warning signs: a family history of postpartum depression, a family history of anxiety or depression, poor social support, a person who is controlling or a perfectionist. Women usually do not ask for help, which is why it is so important that family members see the warning signs and intervene.” Click here for the coverage of this mother’s postpartum psychosis, an awful tragic rare story that tends to be highly publicized muting other perinatal disorders, but is also important. People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. Isaac Asimov To learn about postpartum depression and other perinatal disorders, we recommend clicking here. To find a postpartum provider, please click here.... Prevent Postpartum Depression: Traditions around the WorldTraditions around the world are incorporated into the organic process of birth that tend to prevent postpartum depression. Around the world, there are rituals and practices that nurture the new mother into the new role of motherhood. These traditions prevent postpartum depression by providing support without providing a diagnosis or inducing shame in the mother (or father.) In Latin America, there is “la cuarantena” wherein the mom does not leave the house (or sometimes even her room) for 40 days and eats special foods In Nigerian culture, we have the “omugwo” wherein a maternal female relative (usually MGM) goes to stay with new mom and baby, educates mom about all things related to the postpartum and also takes care of the household chores. In Indian culture, there is belly binding, a special postnatal diet, and baths with specific aromas. In France, we have the postpartum physical therapist come in to teach the new mother how to do Kegel exercises and such so that she will not be peeing her pants at the age of 50 and so that her and husband can have great sex again. In the United States, we have the Postpartum Project, a cultural tradition where a mother can hire a postpartum specialist who will come to her home and care for her in myriad ways. “Mr. President, I wish to speak today, not as a Massachusetts man, nor as a Northern man, but as an American. I speak for the preservation of the Union. Hear me for my cause.” ― Daniel Webster If this article interests you, please read this article.... Postpartum Doulas Why hire a doula?The postpartum period is so full of discovery, transition and in some ways uncertainty. This is where having a doula present can mean so much to a new family. In the flurry of sleepless nights, breastfeeding challenges and diaper changing, a mother needs to feel supported. How can a doula offer support during the postpartum period? Well, just as a doula may have been present for the birth, she may also be present to help a mother find her way during the postpartum period. This does not necessarily mean coming to the home and taking over care of the baby, but assisting where needed. Sometimes this means helping with a baby’s first bath, or providing a nourishing meal and possibly doing a load of the baby’s laundry. The key to a healthy postpartum period is support! Providing support will also mean lending, not only one’s hands to the new family; but their ears as well. Some mothers find solace and joy in retelling their birth story; however it may have turned out. Sharing her journey helps her to move forward, as she is able to put the pieces together to form her experience. A doula can listen intently, not to respond, but to affirm a mother’s unique birth story. This may be an emotional experience in many ways, and every mother may not want to share. It is helpful for her to know she is welcome to if she likes. Let us also not forget how the other family members are processing their feelings during the postpartum period. There will no doubt be many changes to adjust to; especially for siblings and partners. It is very important for communication to continue during the postpartum period. What activities can encourage bonding between all family members? How can the doula suggest or even provide such options? A doula can be available during busy transitioning times like after school (for older siblings) when mom might be feeling overwhelmed. A doula can offer words of encouragement; ensuring everyone that the postpartum period is indeed challenging, but so amazing at the same time. When a mother feels supported after the birth of her baby, she can focus her energy on healing and caring for her newborn. “Postpartum doulas are the latest (and earliest) trends.” Zoe Hicks, Postpartum Project Founder... Is Placenta Encapsulation Safe?Is it safe to consume the placenta? As consuming placentas (via placenta encapsulation) becomes more and more popular, we are receiving more and more attention regarding the big question: Is placenta encapsulation safe? Controversy abounds: In this NY Times article, a mother paints the picture of her moodiness caused by her eating her placenta. In this Guardian article, Eating your Placenta, is it healthy or just weird? The (hilarious) author, Oga, writes: According to one cookbook on the subject, you can mix your raw placenta with yoghurt and fruit in a blender and make a smoothie. Or add it to ground beef in a lasagna recipe. Or make chocolate truffles out of it. Dice it, slice it, sauté it with onions, dehydrate it and grind it up – it seems there’s no wrong way to eat placenta. Though a hilarious quote, this is very serious: is consuming your placenta safe? Some people swear by it, some people think it is a placebo. Recently, there has been a incidence of serious illness connected to placenta consumption. Here is an article covering the controversy, and another. Please read this article that replies regarding this issue in depth. It is well written and truly addresses the issues while validating the concerns. If you choose to invest in the reported health benefits of placenta consumption, please ensure you hire an experienced placenta encapsulator who safely prepares your placenta. Qualified placenta encapsulators are highly trained to ensure that the placenta is prepared correctly, they are certified in handling blood born pathogens who follow federal and state food handling guidelines and preferably hold a state food handling certification or license. In other words, many women throughout the centuries have eaten their placenta for a reason. If you want to for the health benefits outlined in the Web MD article below. In WebMd’s story covering the practice of eating your own placenta, they outlined the health benefits of placenta eating. which includes: People who support eating the placenta say that it can raise your energy and breast milk quantity. They also say it can level off your hormones, lowering your chances of postpartum depression and insomnia. Please also check out this link, regarding oral health care during pregnancy. If you enjoyed this article, we believe you would enjoy this article about Acupuncture and Postpartum… ... Supplements for Postpartum HealthCan you treat postpartum health issues with nutritional supplements? Most postpartum issues are due to an imbalance. We can determine which supplements to use based on blood, saliva, and urine testing. Q: I’ve never had any problems before this. Why now? A – Pregnancy and childbirth for some woman actually put their hormones into better balance than before. But for some women, the whole process creates a major imbalance. It depends on your health status from before the birth. You may have had imbalances you were not aware of, that we call “sub-clinical”. Q – What types of supplements do you use? A – Most of the supplements are combinations of amino acids and minerals or vitamins. Q – What are amino acids? A – Amino acids are the building blocks in proteins. These often get out of balance when hormones are stressed. Q – What types of blood tests do you do? A – I like to run a complete health panel to determine status of the thyroid, adrenal glands, and mineral levels. The blood work will also show your cholesterol, kidney and liver function and state of your immune system. Q – Why do I feel tired all the time? A – This could be due to many factors, but we’ll get to the bottom of it by testing. Often the blood results look fine, but the saliva and urine neurotransmitters results give us the answers we need. Q – I don’t like taking a lot of pills. Exactly what will be required? A – We can easily tailor a program for you that will meet your needs and be easy to follow... Find a Postpartum TherapistHow to find a postpartum therapist? When faced the upheaval of a new baby, the joys and sleep deprivation can be truly rewarding, and sometime incredibly overwhelming. Trying to navigate therapist shopping can be daunting. My recommendation: interview a therapist over the phone or in person. Questions to ask a potential therapist. What is your approach? What is the structure for when therapy is over? How do you see your clients change? Things to observe, does the therapist encourage you to ask these questions, or does she or he seem nervous regarding these questions? Do you feel a warmth? Do you feel she or he is listening to you and asking you questions that allow you to open up but also provide you with sense of safety? What is a therapist? A therapist is a person who has received training to help treat mental or physical health problems. In the context of psychology, a therapist is a person who is trained and licensed to practice psychotherapy. There are many avenues to healing. There is yoga, nutritional consulting, etc. I believe that therapy is invaluable, (but I am biased) For my clients, it is a place to be able to explore and navigate challenges in your life without being subsumed by them. “It is a beautiful day, I think I will skip my meds and stir things up.” In conclusion, if interested in this article, please read this one!... Homeopathic Medicine for New MothersHomeopathic medicine for new mothers. Questions and answers to the mystery of what homeopathic medicine is and why it is so effective. Q: What is homeopathic medicine? A: Homeopathic medicine is about 200 years old. It was discovered in Germany by a medical doctor named Samuel Hahneman. Q: How does this form of medicine differ from supplements and herbs? A: Homeopathic medicine is the use of little white pills that are dissolved under the tongue. You may have noticed the little blue tubes in the health food store. Supplements and herbs are swallowed but homeopathic remedies are dissolved in the mouth. Q: Which remedies do you use for the postpartum period? A: There are literally hundreds of homeopathic remedies. Here are some herbs which are most commonly used for postpartum issues: Naturum mur – common indications include depression, grief, sadness over a loss, craving for salty foods. Sepia – common indications include impatience, wants to be left alone, craving for sour foods. Pulsatilla – tends to be crying, craving for bread and butter, likes to be outdoors, or to have the windows open. Sulphur – morose, constipation, skin outbreaks and eruptions, may emotionally blow up Arsenicum alb – very tidy and detail oriented, may be very controlling with children and husband, “uptight” These are just a few of the many homeopathic remedies, but with the right one, literally miracles will occur fairly quickly. Dr. Randy Martin, OMD is a State License Acupuncturist and Doctor of Chinese medicine. He accepts almost all insurance. He has been in practice over 30 years and his specialty is women’s health and pediatrics. He can be contacted via is website at www.drrandymartin.com or by email: drrandymartin@gmail.com. If you enjoyed this article, we recommend this one.... Postpartum and AcupunctureHolistic Approaches to Postpartum Health Postpartum and acupuncture, Why choose acupuncture? Dr. Randy has the answers to the many questions his clients ask. Q: I have heard that acupuncture can be used to treat postpartum health issues, but I’m so afraid of needles! What do you suggest? A: To be quite honest, needles sometimes seem scary. But the needles used for acupuncture are so thin that you could even put one inside the hole of a regular needle used for blood tests. They are about the size of a strand of hair, and so you hardly even feel them. Q: If I definitely don’t want acupuncture, what other options are there for treatment of postpartum issues? A: Luckily, we can design a perfectly effective treatment program using Classical Homeopathy, Chinese Herbs or Nutritional Supplements. Q: Do you do testing to determine what my exact problem actually is? A: Most definitely! We do blood, saliva, and urine testing if you like the scientific approach and have not already been tested before you come to me. Q: Can acupuncture and homeopathy also help emotionally if I feel depressed and am full of fear? A: Absolutely! Acupuncture and homeopathic medicine are both very successful at increasing endorphins, the body’s own naturally-occurring stress-relievers. Because acupuncture works on the energy of the mother and baby, it not only affects the mom physically, but can also relax her energetically and reduce her stress levels. If you are nursing, then the homeopathic remedies you take will also positively affect your baby. I have had hundreds of women come in feeling depressed and tired after giving birth. After treatment, they all have said they have their “get up and go” again. Dr. Randy Martin, OMD is a State License Acupuncturist and Doctor of Chinese medicine. He accepts almost all insurance. He has been in practice over 30 years and his specialty is women’s health and pediatrics. He can be contacted via is website at www.drrandymartin.com or by email: drrandymartin@gmail.com. If you are interested in this article, we suggest this article.... Perinatal Care for Postpartum Health, an exploration of MoldovaPerinatal care in Moldova. We give them an A plus! Perinatal care for postpartum health, perinatal care emphasizes on preventative health care that involves general and regular checkups. These check ups are meant to detect serious and potential health problems before they happen or at an early stage. The early detection of these problems makes them easier to be treated before they manifest, spread and have a serious adverse effect. Moldova understood the concept and importance of perinatal care They realized that is not just a social necessity but also an economic one. Moldova looked for a way to invest its limited resources to achieve the best benefits and chose to reform and fix the health care system. The early detection of different health problems with pregnant women will allow doctors to prescribe the right medication and course of treatment before the disease or the health problem become so prominent and would have a positive effect the postpartum quality of life. The system pays equal attention to the clinical and emotional aspects of the health of pregnant women and their babies, before and after delivery. The country administered a total reform to the health care system by improving the kind of education provided to all people involved in the health care industry from doctors of different practices, to nurses and midwives who help in detecting and dealing with the early symptoms of dangerous health conditions. They also invested in family centered care that didn’t just offer medical care, but also emotional and psychological care that would address family related emotional and psychological problems. The reform in Moldova went as far as training and hiring certified psychiatrists and psychologists at every maternity hospital after realizing the importance of the emotional support that needs to be given to families that are expecting babies. These special psychiatrists and psychologists are specifically trained to deal with the psychological and emotional needs of pregnant women and even the staff dealing with them. This health care model sets an example for other countries. If you enjoyed this article, please read this article.... Postpartum Care, the First Forty DaysPostpartum care, the first forty days, can feel very daunting. Basically, it is the baby’s fourth trimester. Our bodies are too small to carry the baby to term so to speak, so in the most authentic sense all babies are born premature. Ideally we would have them in our womb for another trimester, but our heads get too big! Amazon summarizes this beautiful book best: “The first 40 days after the birth of a child offer an essential and fleeting period of rest and recovery for the new mother. Based on author Heng Ou’s own postpartum experience with zuo yuezi, a set period of “confinement,” in which a woman remains at home focusing on healing and bonding with her baby, The First Forty Days revives the lost art of caring for the mother after birth.” The First Forty Days includes simple recipes, because food is healing, and really engages the mother in self care. We have this inordinate pressure to bounce back immediately, but actually the first forty days of postpartum care can be a time of renewal, connection to the baby and care for the body and self, if we have the luxury of being able to do this. Many mothers do, and many mothers simply do not have the economical resources or the strength too, if they are looping through a postpartum depression. Many mothers lead single mother life immediately as they live far away from family and their husbands work a lot, or they are single mothers by choice, or not by choice, but ideally this would be amazing if every mother could incorporate even a part of this approach! This is a beautiful book. Feel free to read the author’s, Heng Ou’s, interview right here. One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening. Franklin P. Jones... Postpartum SexPostpartum sex, as elusive as the Lockness Monster…? We give birth, we have a child and two becomes three and sex walks out the door, as we breast feed and run to the market for more diapers. After waiting the 6 week period after the baby is born and then getting the green light from your Ob, you may still not be in the mood. That’s okay. We can wait for that mood to come in… maybe. Your best bet is to the behavioral approach. Try it out and then as you are doing it, you may feel… wonderful. Sounds pollyanish I know. Sex has many spiritual, physical and emotional benefits. Things you can do to get back into the groove. 1. Lubricate: get K-Y jelly and remember now that your body knows pregnancy. You are actually like a pre heated oven and it’s quite easy to get pregnant again. Ask any mother with Irish twins. In other words, use protection. Don’t get lazy and grab some random cream that may weaken the condom, use KY jelly. 2. Deliberate relaxation: a glass of wine or a massage from your partner. 3. Warm up: foreplay is needed.. 4. Position Properly: tell him or her where it hurts. Be direct and loving. 5. Kegel exercises, squeeze as though you have to pee for 10 seconds and then release, and then 20 and then release. Build that floor back. In France, the government pays for a physical therapist to come to your home and teach you this. Why? Because your body is important and that pelvic floor needs be re strengthened. If anything, so when you sneeze you don’t pee. Sexy, eh? No woman gets an orgasm from shining the kitchen floor. Betty Friedan ... Infertility and PostpartumInfertility and the postpartum period can be challenging. All that work to have a baby and then you are hit with a wall of depression. That is very difficult, mothers and fathers are laden with a lot of guilt for the experience of the depression. The reminder of this blog is that it is irrelevant how difficult getting pregnant was, postpartum depression is postpartum depression. Depression is not a character flaw, it is an illness, which brings usually a mixed state of heightened anxiety and numbness. A new innovative app was launched called Fruitful Fertility. We encourage you to click here to check it out. This brilliant app matches a couple dealing with infertility to a mentor who has dealt with infertility. It is an excellent mentorship program, because only mothers and fathers who have experienced infertility fully understand how frustrating it is to try and try and try. Fruitful Fertility writes: Fear. Frustration. Financial stress. Each aspect of infertility sucks. But the worst part is feeling isolated; like no one understands what you’re going through. That’s why we created Fruitful. A free mentorship program where those beginning their fertility journey are matched with a supportive individual who’s experienced it firsthand. We encourage any mother out there who has had fertility issues to sign up. The other part of this is helping others is a great defense against depression, that and of course, seeing a therapist. And always remember: the postpartum period is one phase. My best friend hated the postpartum period and is one of the best moms I know. Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness. Desmond Tutu ... Suicide, why people kill themselvesSuicide, why people kill themselves. People say how selfish it is for a person to kill themselves, especially a mother. The other day was the death anniversary of a mother who jumped out of a building with her baby strapped to her. The baby survived, she did not. According to this article, this intelligent woman wrote a suicide note castigating herself as a bad mother. When someone is suicidal, they are slightly psychotic. In the psychotic state the firmly believe the people around them would be better off without them and that they are doing them a favor. That is one reason why people kill themselves. That is why we diagnose mothers who want to kill themselves as having postpartum psychosis. As this mother outlined in the article, an intelligent lawyer, honestly thought her baby has cerebral palsy and thought she was a terrible mother. Luckily the very healthy baby survived. So this boils down to a very important piece, with depression, what we feel is not always what is. It is just what we are feeling in that moment. In actuality, suicide is devastating for family members. The person who commits suicide may simply be in too much pain, and should alway have that option to kill themselves. But we can teach ourselves and others, what we feel is not always what is. There are chapters in our lives that will feel dark and hazy and then there are chapters that will be lighter and more fun. Things change, we never step in the same river twice. And it is a cliche for a reason. Because it is true. For many people, they live for years with suicidal thoughts. It is not the rapid shift of hormones that we see with many new moms, but a pervasive stain on their thought patterns. This can and does change with treatment. It is most important, to not normalize those thoughts. Do not judge them, be curious as to why you feel these thoughts, what they are expressing in a blunt more aggressive way?... Why America needs doulas…My neighbor had a baby three weeks ago. My two daughters and I had talked about preparing food for them for months in advance and they had lots of input about the newborn vest that I was knitting. I had the honor of meeting this particular baby the night after she was born and seeing the golden glow of her proud mother. Being with my friend in the tender days of postpartum felt natural; like the way humans evolved to connect with each other within their tribe. And yet, as easy and instinctive as it should be, many American families feel isolated and overwhelmed. We tend to trust the “experts” rather than our communities and buy stuff rather than spending time. This is the time to change our anger and stress into love by nurturing one mother at a time. America needs doulas to witness the pride of a brand new mother- to marvel with her – to listen to the small and big details of her story. America needs doulas to prepare nutritious food for new families so that bodies can heal with the aid of warming and comforting food. I was summoned to visit them on day three. This is a notoriously hard day when the milk comes in and hormones go haywire. I got mother and baby comfortably settled and sent dad and older sister off to do some errands. I gave hugs and validated the realness of the shift in her family. America needs doulas to listen to mother’s struggles and celebrations and help them settle into the slow pace of life with a newborn. I gave her recommendations for lactation counselors and set up a meal train for friends to drop off dinner when her husband goes back to work. America needs doulas to connect new families with professionals to ease their transition and encourage their wellness. America needs doulas to help moms find their village so that they have a empathetic support system. But I would say even more fundamental than doulas: America needs women to care for women. America needs to value motherhood. We need to form communities where this kind of postpartum care is standard and not considered a luxury. Here’s what YOU can do for your pregnant neighbors: Bring them food when a baby is born. A simple, home cooked meal that is prepared with great love. Listen to her birth story. Admire her baby. Tell her she is a wonderful mother. Do helpful things. Don’t even ask – give hugs, back rubs and tell her to text you her grocery list. Involve your children in your preparation. Let the next generation know what it looks like to care for each other and show them what kind of love they deserve when they have their own babies. ... Sex for New Moms and DadsWhen do new moms and dads start having sex again? It all depends on the couple. But, I hate to say it, many times, about 3-4 months after the baby is born, you actually have to start scheduling sex. But if you do schedule sex, you will be so much happier. If you are a single mother or father, schedule a masturbation session. It is just really important. What does sex do for the family unit? The best thing for a child is a strong parental unit. Sex strengthens the parental unit. Sex can do so many things, amongst releasing stress and having fun, it can provide further bonding and feelings of adoration for your man or woman. Why do we ignore this need? Because we do not consider it a need, we couch sex as entertainment, a pleasure, but not a need. Sex is actually a need, with many health benefits. According to Dr. Mercola, the health benefits of sex are: Improved Immunity. People who have sex frequently (one or two times a week) have significantly higher levels of immunoglobulin A (IgA). . Heart Health. Lower Blood Pressure. It’s a Form of Exercise. Pain Relief. May Help Reduce Risk of Prostate Cancer. Improve Sleep. Stress Relief. Sexual activity not only provides many of the same benefits to your heart as exercise but also keeps levels of estrogen and testosterone in balance, which is important for heart health. Sexual activity, and specifically intercourse, is linked to better stress response and lower blood pressure. Do not place pressure on yourself to have sex, but schedule it anyways. It sounds contradictory, because it is. Most things are. If that time comes, you may surprise yourself and feel really really good. In the innovative book, Sex at Dawn, the pre-historic Origins of Modern Sexuality. The author discusses that sex originally was established as a bonding activity amongst tribe members. The bonding was necessary for survival. We may not be living in caves with predators about to attack us, regardless: bonding still is necessary for survival. Be with someone who loves you and loves to give you orgasms. by Kinkster... What is Placenta Encapsulation?Placenta Encapsulation is basically eating your placenta in pill form. Wait, what is placenta encapsulation? So when you give birth, you do that extra push of about 5 pounds of muck, I mean placenta, and it is exceptionally nutritious. The afterbirth, you want me to eat it? Yes, but why you might ask. As outlined in the link below… Women who eat their placenta report the following benefits: • Decrease in Baby Blues • Reduced risk of Postpartum Depression • Mood enhancement • Increased energy • Reduced recovery time after birth • Replenishes and restores hemoglobin from blood loss during birth • Increased milk supply • Hormone balancing • Lochia (postpartum bleeding) decreased amount and duration Please go to this link, to learn how to hire an excellent Placenta encapsulation specialist. “Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep out alone under the stars. Learn how to drive a stick shift. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. Say no when you don’t want to do something. Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees. Decide whether you want to be liked or admired. Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you’re doing here. Believe in kissing.” ― Eve Ensler... Co-sleeping and Bed SharingCo-sleeping, To co-sleep or not to co-sleep…? This is the question. The more westernized the country becomes, the lonelier. So, of course in our country it is a big no-no to co-sleep or bed share. I am not a doctor, I am a therapist, and essentially an anthropologist. Everything we do is embedded in the context of our culture, i.e. brainwashing. We do this, because humans are social animals, and we would rather be brainwashed than isolated. Isolation, especially in tribal times, was incredibly dangerous. It still is. We are brainwashed into the idea of marriage, which initially was simply a business contract between two men where a woman was considered property, indentured servitude. We are brainwashed into monogamy. Maybe it is the correct course of action, but it is not actually how our bodies are designed. We are brainwashed into the school system. Schools were initially established to acclimate a person to the factory work day. There were major protests when schools became required, not learning, but schooling which in many cases is entirely different. Think about the geniuses who never had formal schooling. The real Good Will Hunting guy never went to school and taught himself math. This is one example, amongst hundreds. Because our culture brainwashes us, when our intuition rises we have to work incredibly hard to continue to listen to it. The worst is when our intuition clashes with the predominant values and mores of the culture we were born into. In other words, if you intuitively feel better co-sleeping, then go for it. If you do not, then don’t. If you take any drugs, including sedatives, or drink or combine the two, do not co-sleep. It is very difficult to not be aware of your baby. I co-slept with my baby. I even let my baby sleep on her tummy, after I was advised that it is okay, by a leading expert: one of my dearest friends who had all four of her kids sleep on their tummies. In the anxious state I was in, I watched my daughter like a hawk while she slept on her tummy, but ultimately it was good for her. Doctors do not know why SIDS happens. My baby sleeping on her tummy allowed her to sleep deeper and build those tummy muscles. Tummy time was a breeze. I am not saying to do what I did. According to doctors, it is not advised. What I am emphasizing, emphatically, is to listen to your intuition. The one and only time I will every quote Jewel, but she has a point: “Follow your heart, your intuition. It will lead you in the right direction.” ... Empathy vs. Compassion, How to help your spouseOffering love to others that are suffering, i.e. compassion, can feel positive and motivating, and feeling the pain of the person you love, i.e. empathy, can make you feel depleted, and overwhelmed and then we are left with one option many times, and that is to detach. So, what I advise in regards to how to help your spouse… When your loved one is suffering a mental illness, whether it be postpartum depression or PTSD or psychosis what should you do? Rather, than offer empathy, i.e. feeling what that other person feels, which will dilute your reasoning… (think of Heavenly Creatures, a true story of a couple who become psychotic together, one of the many incidences of couples who commit crimes together), offer a little bit of empathy and then step up with a lot more of compassion. We can become absorbed and lose our sense of reason if we overly empathize. “But I love my partner, I need to feel what he is feeling in order to help him….” “No, you do not.” And moreso, it does not actually improve the situation. You can offer compassion towards your husband who is unable to get out of bed, or towards your wife who is continually weeping, without being absorbed in their emotional state. How? One might ask, especially when one is in love. Empathy looks like this. The wife does not allow anyone else but herself to care for the baby. The partner thinks: My wife is tired and stressed, but she is the mother and she doesn’t want anyone else caring for the baby, only she can truly care for the baby so I am not going to push her to change the diapers, even though I see she is tired. Empathy, you sat in her shoes, it is all emotion. Compassion, “Hey Babe, I see you are so tired. Let me take the baby and hold the baby for awhile while you have a long bath. If the baby cries, and I can not soothe her I will come get you.” You offer a little bit of the empathy, but a lot more compassion with a heavy dose of reason and an out. You, the partner, stay around and offer actionable support. In the first example, is it reasonable that he believes his beliefs and thoughts about his ex-wife? Sure. There is a kernel of truth in every perspective. Is it helpful to be flooded with the same helplessness and hopelessness she feels? Absolutely not. This is why empaths tend to have depression. We absorb others emotions as our own. Stop it! Can I offer compassion and gently introduce a helping hand? Yes, how? In many ways, there is also “the compliment sandwich.” Remind her of why you love her, then offer guidance, then again remind her of why she is an amazing mother. And then help her by helping her obtain treatment. Healing is absolutely possible. Compassion heals, empathy is important, but usually creates a feeling of being drained and then detaching when it is your only vehicle of connectivity. True honest compassion heals.... Dietary Kit Could Eliminate Postpartum Baby BluesThis is very interesting. Its often a topic of contention among the therapeutic community on whether depression symptoms a mom is facing is emotionally based or biologically/ nutritionally based. The extreme change in body chemistry and hormones after childbirth lends weight to the argument that the bio-chemistry in a new mother is in flux. This article suggests that by providing new others, from three days after childbirth, with a proactive dietary supplement, that baby blues/ postpartum depression symptoms will reduce, meaning, the likelihood of experiencing them will be less. Postpartum baby Blues You can view the article here from CTV new Canada… “The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) found a stark contrast in the emotional stability of 21 new mothers who were given two amino acids to compensate for the loss of mood-regulating chemicals, plus a blueberry extract for anti-oxidant effects, compared to a control group of 20 who did not receive the supplements in the days after giving birth. The women taking the dietary supplements did not experience any depressed mood, the researches found, while the women who were not taking the supplements had a significant increase in depression scores. “... Holistic Psychiatry, The Depression CureA new field is emerging, holistic psychiatry. Basically this is the idea that there is no mind and body split. The Depression Cure Concept Dr. Ilardi believes in a 6 step program to heal depression. I have worked with clients individually with this program and it is simple and effective. Dr. Ilardi analyzed cultures around the world, and came to the understanding that in hunter gatherer societies there is little to no depression. Why do we have such a high rate of depression? Well, our bodies have not caught up with the times. So he reintroduce what we lost. Depression Cure in Dr. Ilardi’s 6 Step Program Llardi’s research states that even if you follow a few of these steps, and not all of them you will feel better. Fish Oil: Fish oil is tricky, you do not want to take an excessive amount of fish oil. It is not like an antidepressant where you up the dosage, this can hurt your body. Dr. Ilardi recommend that for EPA, “the best supported daily dosage, used across a number of different studies, is 1000 to 2000 milligrams (mg) of EPA per day.” (p. 76). It is less expensive to get the liquid fish oil, and then I think this adds up to a couple of teaspoons. Ignore the DHA, and just read the EPA. A great brand that I love is Barlean’s Organic Fish Oil. Engaged Activity: This one is interesting, I have a client who recently came in depressed. And he has a very dull job. When I analyze how to cure a person’s depression, we are analyzing what feeds the loop of depression, and boredom can really hurt your psyche. I experienced my first depression in 7th grade. It was the first time I was truly bored in school, I went from an academically challenging and engaging private school to an awful public school and I was bored to tears. There is a reason why bored to tears in a cliche… If you can find an activity that truly engages your heart and soul, and better yet, your body also, then you can kill two birds with one stone: step number 2 and 3… Exercise: This tends to intimidate people, actually three times a week of a brisk thirty minute walk with help alleviate depression very well. You do not implement this step right away or it can be demoralizing, but after a couple of weeks of vitamin intake would you do this one. Sunlight Exposure: The correct sunlight exposure can really help insomnia. I recommend any lightbox with 10,000 LUX. We are rarely aware of how little we actually receive sunlight in comparison to our ancestral brothers and sisters. I recommend the morningness and eveningness questionnaire. Social Support: This one is really hard. Try AA meetings, (fight club style) or look into Meetup Groups or having a kid or a dog also works. Dogs are amazing, because there is an entire sub culture of dog lovers and dogs are truly wonderful for social support. Sleep: Sleep patterns will be cured with sunlight exposure and exercise. You should get 8 hours of sleep a day, whether that is 4 hours and 2 hours up and then another 4 hours, or 6 hours and then a 2 hour nap. 8 hours is the ideal amount of sleep. Look into sleep hygiene, ie. no iphone in the bed, and low lights for the last two hours of your day. A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. Groucho Marx ... Symptoms of Postpartum DepressionHere are some symptoms of postpartum depression illustrated by famous successful women of our time.These women are brave and courageous to discuss their experiences. Shame: “If I had been diagnosed with any other disease, I would have run to get help. I would have worn it like a badge,” Brook Shields told People magazine. “I didn’t at first—but finally I did fight. I survived.” Symptoms of postpartum depression… shame is the first we focus upon, because shame makes the disorder a secret. Shame slows down the ability to reach out and ask for help or even to recognize what is happening. Unfortunately, many times new moms and dads feel engulfed in shame because they are suffering depression and anxiety or maybe depression and anxiety magnify feelings of shame. Many times, it is only after the illness itself has been resolved do mothers and fathers feel okay to speak out regarding this debilitating disorder. Euphoria During Pregnancy We are moving towards focusing on the perinatal aspect of postpartum depression and anxiety. What does this mean? How you felt during your pregnancy may indicate a vulnerability towards a postpartum depression or anxiety. “I had a fairly serious postpartum depression,” the actress Amanda Peet stated in a 2008 article in Gotham magazine after giving birth to daughter Frankie. “I think it was because I had a really euphoric pregnancy.” Panic Attacks and Weepiness A terribly common symptom of postpartum depression and anxiety is panic attacks. Another difficult one is weepiness. Please do not normalize this and please be gentle with yourself. Valerie Plain, world famous spy She wrote: “My abilities to cope, problem solve, and adjust to new situations, abilities that had served me so well, were beyond my reach.” Ms. Plain also describes feelings of crying uncontrollably and panic attacks during her postpartum period. Numbness Numbness is also a symptom of depression and for many postpartum depression. “At my lowest, I was a robot. I just didn’t feel anything. I had no maternal instincts for him—it was awful. I couldn’t connect, and still, when I look at pictures of him at three months old, I don’t remember that time.” Gwyneth Paltrow. Insomnia We continually disregard that our bodies and minds are not split. This is a false separation. Our mind is part of our body. Our mental health is correlated to our hormonal health. It is not just in your head, ever. “I went through a really hard time—not right after the baby, but when [Coco] turned 6 months. I couldn’t sleep,” the actress said. “My heart was racing. And I got really depressed. I went to the doctor and found out my hormones had been pummeled.” Courtney Cox, the lovable beautiful actress we watched for years on Friends My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style. ~ Maya Angelou... Postpartum RecoveryPostpartum recovery is completely absolutely possible. Postpartum recovery and time. Time does (usually) heal all wounds, including postpartum depression. (It is a cliche for a reason.) So, even if you were to not do anything, usually mothers and fathers organically move out of the postpartum depression within 3 years. The tricky piece is three years is a long time. And just when a person is feeling “back to herself (or himself) again,” the couple decides to have another child. That can trigger another postpartum depression. Though, it should not stop a person from having another child. Having children is beautiful. My work is to ensure you can have as many children as you want and feel completely yourself during and after the postpartum period. We return to the mind, body and spirit healing solution. Mind involves therapy, and there are many kinds, or reading or writing. Body involves medicine, or nutritional healing, or exercise or all three. And spirit many times seems indulgent but is absolutely necessary,… being creative (playing music, painting, writing), praying, investing in relationships, building community, etc. By focusing on the mind, and correcting cognitive distortions, we can help heal postpartum depression. We will concentrate on a term called, Control Fallacies. What does the term control fallacies mean? A control fallacy is the idea that we feel completely controlled by an external factor. Or, the opposite: when we completely blame ourselves for things outside of our control. Basically, if we feel completely controlled by external events and people, we will be depressed. Another prescription for depression is if we believe that we can control everything. Furthermore, how does this translate with postpartum depression? In baby world, this translates as, “Why are you crying, baby?” Is it because of something I did or did not do?” And this is tricky because it actually may be something you did or did not do, but it also might be that your baby is tired or naturally just needs a good cry. The opposite is the idea that my baby will always cry because I am not my perfect sister or because we live in an apartment and not a house or because we do not have that baby swing everyone else has. Here we present our shades of gray, the middle ground approach. What can we control and what is out of our control? Every perspective has a a kernel of truth but is not the truth entirely and this is important. “Some people care too much. I think it’s called love.” ― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh... Postpartum Depression CausesPostpartum Depression Causes. So, what is happening? What causes postpartum depression? A perfectly happy content mother to be gives birth and is suddenly unable to get out of bed, feels overwhelmed and guilty while continually weeping. What happened? Our well being correlates with our hormonal health. According to Mayo Clinic, After childbirth, a dramatic drop in hormones (estrogen and progesterone) in your body may contribute to postpartum depression. Other hormones produced by your thyroid gland also may drop sharply — which can leave you feeling tired, sluggish and depressed. The initial goal is twofold, to go to your therapist, or find a therapist and go to your doctor. It is very important to go to your doctor and have blood work done. In terms of therapy, a therapist is trained to assess and diagnose the severity of the symptoms, the exhaustion, the weepiness, the overwhelm, the feelings of guilt and so forth and to ensure you are safe. We are here to give you hope and decrease the isolation. And lab work takes awhile, so even while the clinician and client are waiting for the results, you still need support. Post traumatic Growth There is a great term called post traumatic growth. As one might guess, the idea is that trauma or any major life event may cause growth rather than damage. My theory: Everyone should go to therapy at least once in their lives, and if you are always going to therapy, every one should take a break from therapy more than once in your life. The gifts embedded in experiencing a depression. So the gift in surviving a depression is it allows you to grow to into a stronger and more resilient person than you were prior to the depression. People who have a history of depression tend to be less judgmental, more empathetic and more creative, not that I would wish this awful illness upon anyone. “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” Frankl... Maternity Leave, the fourth trimester.Some people, who do not know, will think maternity leave is a vacation, in some ways it is, and in others, it is not. 1. Renegotiate boundaries in your body, mind and spirit. Your baby is in what we call, her fourth trimester. Basically, your baby is supposed to incubate inside you for another three months, but our heads are too big, so instead we are born three months too early so that wee little humans can actually exit the womb. What does this mean for you during your maternity leave? That you will be woken up about every 3 hours and that your baby will sleep about 18 hours a day. The 18 hour a day sleeping your baby needs gives you time to rest. The urge may be to to start that business you always wanted to, to open up your work email, to reorganize every closet (not my urge, but I am sure it is many people’s), maybe even to clean in general. Your work is to rest as much as possible. Sleep deprivation is a form of human torture for a reason. And not having a full 6-8 hours of sleep in a row will wear you down after awhile. But resting does not mean sleeping, you can read your favorite magazines or some great novels. Maternity leave can feel like a vacation in some ways. This is time with you and your baby. It is special (and can be challenging.) Ultimately, in order to truly enjoy this time, you will be renegotiating boundaries. Asking yourself, what does and does not have to really be done? Does all the laundry have to be washed and folded? No just washed, maybe washed. Just worn, not inside out. 2. Sleep when the baby sleeps If you can sleep when the baby sleeps, this is a wonderful thing. The tricky place here is that many people have partners that almost immediately go back to work, so in these situations, shall we call it sleep or passing out? As one of these mothers, my former husband went back to work almost immediately and I was left taking care of the baby on my own. He and I chose this, as we chose to live far away from family. The tricky part about this is: yes it is incredibly fulfilling to take care of your baby, and everyone needs a break. Postpartum depression or not, the last thing a new mother feels comfortable doing is leaving a newborn with a sitter, because the sitter is a stranger and your baby is not verbal. So, sleeping when the baby sleeps will feel great. Hiring a sitter for a couple of hours a day, if possible, is wonderful as well. 3. Join a mama group or support group of some kind. I joined a stroll in at the local Y in the East Village. This was fantastic, basically you stroll in with your baby and sit around with a group of mothers and have group therapy. Did I make my friends at this stroll in? Not really. I made my friends once I moved out of the East Village and into Brooklyn. There we had baby parties, where I met all my mom friends. This was amazing. Sometimes, you have to dig around, and sometimes, there will be this intuitive urge to move, do it. (If you feel the need to move and it is possible, move during month 5 or 6 of your maternity leave) not during the fourth trimester, Botton line, listen to every morsel of intuition that is positive and proactive for the long term benefits of you and your family, Sleep for your body. Read for your mind. Build support and community for your spirit. First thing in the morning, we’re really tired, and we look at each other and we wonder, ‘Are we ever going to get sleep?’ And yet, it doesn’t matter if you don’t get sleep. It’s an honor to take care of them. – Angelina Jolie Written by Zoe Hicks If this article interests you, we highly recommend reading Everything You Need for Your Baby According to Science... A mother’s advice for going back to workIt can sometimes be a very difficult decision on whether a new mother should or shouldn’t go back to work. When there is a financial necessity, or course, the decision is made. However, when a mother goes back to work because she enjoys work, she can often have feelings of guilt and shame surface, as well as face negative emotions from others. At postpartum project, we support what is in the best interest of any mother. Below is a list of things to do when forced back to work. Take naps in the bathroom. No one is going to get mad at you for your 15-20 minute dump, so it may seem strange, but shut the door and go to the bathroom, i.e. take a little cap nap. In this day and age, we have this entire idea of these huge open space offices. What a disaster. There is no time or place to take a nap, unless you work at one of these magical companies like Google that actually has a nap room, what?! Yes, I agree, no fair. Get Acupuncture If your eyes start to twitch, or if one of your eyes start to twitch due to exhaustion, go get acupuncture from a reputable resource. Every time I go to acupuncture, it is like a power nap times ten. I can not adequately explain how rejuvenating it can be. Try to find time to work out three times a week. This one is tricky and may not be fair. As a single mother who commutes, this has dwindled a little bit, but every time I step into a spin class I leave a different person. Happier, more optimistic and a better parent. 45 minutes three times a week is my magic formula. Medicine is designed to give you enough energy to go and work out. Exercise is an excellent anti-depressant. Especially, exercise where you sprint and work out really hard in intervals. Keep Date Nights Maintaining intimate adult relationships, especially the one with your child’s parent, your spouse, is the healthiest thing you can do for your child, for yourself and for your spouse. When exhausted, have a good cry. After a good cry, we all just feel better. According to researcher, Bergman, in his article the Miracle of Tears, researchers concluded that chemicals built up by the body during stress were removed by tears, crying actually lowered stress. ... Breast Feeding and AnxietyWe are riding this wave of a breast feeding craze lately. We have become obsessed and consumed with the idea that breast feeding is the only way to feed the newborn baby. It is also one wonderful way to drive the mother nuts. I will rise to podium and state very eloquently, ‘Well, breast feeding is great and there are alternative options that are great.’ I used formula from day one. I did both, because my baby was in the NICU and the nurse and I wanted her out ASAP. She simply did not belong there, the doctors made a mistake. The nurse and I knew this, but do doctors listen to the hormonal postpartum mother or a cute blond nurse? Do I sound bitter? I apologize. Breast Feeding Anxiety Breast feeding and anxiety. Do we become anxious and then our milk stops? Or does our milk production stop and then we become anxious? …This question is making me anxious. I remember walking down the streets of Brooklyn after a baby party with my dear hyper intelligent friend who kept crying because her breasts were not producing enough milk. She was convinced this pronounced her as inadequate on some level. I handed her my favorite article about breast feeding. This quote by the author of the article summarizes it best. So overall, yes, breast is probably best. But not so much better that formula deserves the label of “public health menace,” alongside smoking. Given what we know so far, it seems reasonable to put breast-feeding’s health benefits on the plus side of the ledger and other things—modesty, independence, career, sanity—on the minus side, and then tally them up and make a decision. Another portrait of the aftermath of a mother breast feeding with anxiety is a freezer full of breast milk, enough to feed a small army of babies. Was she anxious during her maternity leave? She quietly shares that yes she was absolutely suffering severe anxiety and had no idea who to share this with. My theory with anxiety and breast feeding, I would rather see you have lots of rest and good medicine than a baby full with breast milk. Why is it so difficult to breast feed while anxious? From my understanding, many times the body is signaling to the breasts to stop producing milk during a bout of anxiety, because your body believes you are in danger and this is no time to be sitting around breast feeding. Please, do not tear yourself down if you are not breast feeding and want to. (Please do not tear yourself down about tearing yourself down.) Bottom line: If you need to step off the breast feeding train, it is important to absolutely feel that wave of sadness and frustration and then celebrate, because once you stop breast feeding (or if you are unable to start), you finally own your body again. It is no longer an incubator or a milk production machine, it is yours. A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. Groucho Marx... Insomnia and Postpartum DepressionInsomnia, Postpartum Depression. It is 3 a.m., your baby is asleep soundly in your bed and you… are wide awake. Insomnia is a very common symptom of postpartum depression. If you begin to get insomnia during the third trimester, or while pregnant, please take extra care to observe within yourself your moods and remain aware that your body’s hormonal happy dance may be signaling that you are vulnerable to a postpartum depression, or it may simply be a bout of insomnia. What is Insomnia? The persistent inability to go to sleep or the inability to stay asleep… I am writing this at 4 am, so I understand. If you have it, you know it is awful. My advice as a fellow insomniac: embrace the opportunity for alone time. My advice as a therapist, develop sleep hygiene. What is sleep hygiene? Sleep hygiene are simple practices, that most of us do not always have the energy for, that will allow for a higher quality of sleep. In accordance to the National Sleep Foundation, the following practices are recommended: Limiting daytime naps to 30 minutes . Avoiding stimulants such as caffeine and nicotine close to bedtime. Exercising to promote good quality sleep. Steering clear of food that can be disruptive right before sleep. Ensuring adequate exposure to natural light. The other trick to getting and staying to sleep is guided meditation. One of my favorites is the 13 minute guided meditation by UCLA titled: Body Scan for Sleep. It begins likes this “This is a guided body scan meditation to help you prepare for sleep As you do the meditation you may find yourself drifting off to sleep This is fine So you can allow the meditation to turn off on its own If you notice thoughts such as worries or concerns arising that take your attention away from the meditation This is also normal See if you can redirect your attention Back to the body scan Gently letting go of these thoughts, if it’s possible…” Reading it just made me fall asleep! (Just joking.) But this one does work. Insomnia and postpartum depression are common. You can also simply have insomnia because it is your only time to be alone with your thoughts. This is okay too. You are allowed to enjoy this alone time. I have patches of insomnia, and I’m fascinated by the otherness of the world at night. The stillness. Daytime preoccupations fall away, standards change, thoughts change. It’s a canvas for reinvention, I think. Morag Joss... Romantic Relationships During the Postpartum PeriodRomantic Relationships during the Postpartum Period. Romantic relationships during the postpartum period…I remember this one time when I was in the trenches. I had a two year old, a husband who was a workaholic and I was (and am) a romantic. I felt empty and alone, except for when I was with my mom friends and my daughter. It felt off. So, I began to wonder. My research question of the week was: Can you be in love while raising a baby? The resounding question is: absolutely. The fellow mother I asked on the train… “Are you in love with you husband?” Her reply, “We have a toddler, of course not.” So what happens, and when and why? I think every couple is complicated and simple at the same time. A fantastic book is The Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman, because he simplifies this question. Mr. Chapman studied couples all over the world and discovered that we all share five basic ways of expressing love. Gift giving Quality Time Words of Affirmation Acts of Service Physical Touch So gift giving is the act of giving a gift to your favorite someone. Quality time is spending time together. Words of affirmation are compliments and verbal encouragement. Acts of services are things like doing the dishes, taking the garbage out, etc. Physical touch is the act of cuddling and hugging and dare I say, sexual intercourse. Here is the clincher, some people only need to receive two of these acts of love or maybe three and their partner needs two very different expressions of life. So wife Anna comes in and is not happy. Her husband Paul is always working and never comes home to spend time with her and the baby. Paul does not understand why is my wife unhappy? He is perfectly happy because Anna provides what he needs words of affirmation and gift giving, but Anna feels empty and isolated because what she needs is very different, quality time and acts of service and so it goes. How to stay in love while raising a child, especially during those early years During the postpartum period, carefully analyze this question: Am I being a good partner? What does my spouse need from me to feel loved? Am I providing this for her? Am I providing this for him? “[The 5 Love Languages] changed my life. It changed my marriage. There’s such simplicity in its message, but I feel like it’s so powerful.” – Kelly Hurliman, Wardrobe stylist to Oprah Winfrey... The Best Way to Take Care of Your BabyThe Best Way to Take Care of Your Baby By Stephanie O’Leary, Psy.D. As a new mom, your top priority is taking the very best care of your baby. Even when you’re exhausted, overwhelmed, and doubting your abilities, your desire to give your child everything he or she needs is strong. Amidst the chaos of having an infant, this drive can become intense and may even begin to feel burdensome. This is especially true when you’re struggling to adjust to the demands of motherhood or feeling insecure about your maternal instincts. Add a hefty dose of self-judgment to the mix and it’s easy to start sliding down the slippery slope of guilt with nothing to catch you as you fall. Well, here’s something strong and solid for you to reach for and hold onto: The very best way for you to take care of your baby is to take care of yourself. Self-care is the most important—and least promoted—tool in your mommy toolbox. Using it frequently and unapologetically will set you and your child up for success. So, how can you make this happen? Give yourself permission to take at least 15-minutes a day plus one hour a week of “me-time.” Ask for support. Accept help when it’s offered. And, most important, remember that getting your needs met allows you to be the best possible mom to your little one. It’s not selfish, indulgent, or neglectful—it’s non-negotiable and the more you practice the better you’ll get! Dr. Stephanie O’Leary Dr. O’Leary is a Clinical Psychologist, Author, Mom of Two, and Parenting Expert! Dr. O’Leary offers coaching sessions for families seeking more individualized guidance. These sessions help identify and achieve specific goals while taking into consideration the unique issues that impact your family. Sessions are conduced via phone or video-chat. ... Maternal Mental Health and EmpowermentIn this article, Swept Under the Carpet: The Psychological Side of Maternal Health and Empowerment, Jane Fisher, professor of women’s studies at Monash University, researched areas where women were second class citizens and explores the topic of women’s rights and mental illness. “Fisher’s research suggests a link between mental health and women’s empowerment. The status and treatment of women plays a formative role in their mental health, she said. The quality of a mother’s relationship with their intimate partner – including factors like whether the partner is polygamous, violent, alcoholic, or rejects the pregnancy – is key.” writes Chavara. To read more, please go to this link. This seems fairly intuitive. Though, I post this article, because I do not feel this issue is voiced enough.... Work life balance in the Ballet WorldA picture paints a thousand words. The work life balance of these dancers. There is joy in these photos, maybe it is the joy and pride emanating from the ballerina takes in pumping out in the open. This photographer explores the balance of work and family life, the joy that is embedded in capturing the challenges of motherhood and fatherhood. As the mother works, the father works as well. Caring for the child, putting her to bed, while the mother performs. This photographer captures the modern challenges of working mothers and stay at home fathers. Here we have a stunning photograph of a dancer practicing with her baby on the piano. I hope this photographer continues this project of exploring the working mother. There are so many portraits of this. A professor happily holding a new mother’s baby while he lectures. A female professor and new mother who holds her office hours while taking care of her baby. This does speak also to our lack of affordable child care, but it also speaks to the ingenious strength of the family unit. As the mother ramps up to work, the father ramps up to parenting as a stay at home dad. We see the colleague breastfeeding while pressing reply to a business email on her phone or mothers who decided to run their own businesses for the work/life balance. We are creative, strong, intelligent, ambitious and loving.It is an interesting snapshot in time. We have all of these opportunities, and all of these forks in the road. Where do our passions weave into one another and where do they collide? Please click here to read the rest of this article. ... The Weight of Motherhood and Fatherhood, Parenting has stagesParenting has Stages, Healing has Stages You can struggle within one stage of parenthood and that is what it is: one stage. The child will pass into another stage and so will the mother and father. Sometimes we shed the anxiety or depression within the strength of adjustment, sometimes we need extra support along the way. Beautiful Article: The Weight of Motherhood In this article, the author also illustrates how postpartum anxiety can cause what I term: overreaching. So the postpartum anxiety or depression does not appear as the classic picture of the distant mother unable to hold her baby, instead it surfaces as an overtired mother unable to let the child not be held or sleep on her own or mom never giving herself time to eat or drink. This overreaching within an episode of postpartum depression and anxiety allows for the illness itself to not be as transparent as the image we see so often in our media. Thus go untreated for years for both mothers and fathers. I spoke with a father once, who said to me “I am slowly dying.” This may sound dramatic, but there is an isolation that can run thru a family that makes the experience appear cohesive and overflowing with love, especially on social media. But, in actuality, both the mother and father are isolated and depressed, and it is not for lack of trying. The most ambitious people I know are severely depressed. People who suffer chronic depression are the hardest workers I know. It is not a character flaw, and there are many paths to healing. Many women and men definitely grow out of the depression and anxiety, many women do not. Though ultimately, if you are in the midst of this stage, why muscle through it alone? We are a culture built on the image of John Wayne, the iconoclastic lone rider, but I am almost certain John Wayne was a 6 pack a day chain smoker. Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway. Life is tough, but it’s tougher when you’re stupid. Talk low, talk slow, and don’t talk too much. John Wayne... Recovery during the Postpartum Period, The Gift of TimeWhat defines recovery from a postpartum depression? Recovery can organically happen after the first three years of your child’s life. Though it is easier on yourself to seek healing before then. Usually when a parent emerges out of a postpartum depression, they say things like “I feel like myself again.” One way to get out of the ditch quickly, is to take medicine. Anti-depressants do not need to be taken for a long period of time. But for a short period of time, it can be very effective. One pressure, that mothers have is to fully recover in body and mind in a short period of time, but actually it takes quite awhile to feel fully recovered from the child birth. I do not think it is a year, but providing yourself that time eases the pressure we place on ourselves to be fit and back to “normal,” again. When actually, it is a new normal that is established. Link to interesting study Below is a link to an interesting study that encourages mothers to readjust the unrealistic expectation to be back to normal after a few weeks. I think we carry this subconsciously. “Women need a whole year to recover from childbirth despite the ‘fantasy’ image of celebrity moms, study claims.” This is an insightful article highlighting that not only do we really need longer than 6 weeks to recover, we actually need a year, to adjust both physically and psychologically to child birth. Celebrity moms have resources (and trainers) that we do not have access to. Hence some of them appear stellar after 6 weeks, while the rest of us feel not up to par so to speak. By recognizing that and allowing ourselves that time, we can breathe a bit easier. Be gentle with yourself. “A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave.” Ghandi...
