All Parenting, Motherhood, and Fatherhood

• • 20 Stunningly Intimate Portraits of Birth, Postpartum and Maternity

    Birth, Postpartum and Maternity are often airbrushed in mainstream media. Airbrushing leads to false expectations of women themselves, and men, and  especially motherhood. This year, CVS refused to airbrush their models in the beauty sections. The beauty aisle (of CVS) should represent the “authenticity and diversity of the communities we serve,” Foulkes said. In these portraits of birth, postpartum and maternity I believe Birth Becomes Her, follows suit with CVS and celebrates the authenticity of motherhood..  Please click here for the contest winners, I encourage you to compare the stock photos we post on this blog to actual authentic non airbrushed (more expensive) yet stunning photos of the contest winners. Let’s move away from the one dimensional perfect baby and move  towards authentic joy and pain, to multi dimensional portraits of birth and motherhood. Why would we do this?. Celebrity birth and mainstream media air brushes the mother and baby, similar to the photo here, leading to false expectations of motherhood and what a successful mother looks like.   In this beautiful series of photos. Huffington Post writes: To celebrate this work, Birth Becomes Her, a birth photography blog and community, held a contest featuring real images focusing on aspects of early motherhood. The prompt invited photographers around the world to submit images they took in 2017 for the categories of labor, birth, postpartum, breastfeeding and maternity. A panel of judges selected three winners in each category and an overall winner out of a pool of nearly 1,000 submissions. More than 20,000 Birth Becomes Her followers voted for the people’s choice award winners. If you enjoyed this article, we encourage you to read this one. To find a postpartum specialist please click here:...
  • Why I wrote “Beyond Baby Blues”

    “If this can help one woman then it is worth it.” That was my refrain. That was what I said. That was what I typed, even when my hands trembled. In February of 2014 I made a decision that would change the trajectory of my life forever: I decided to open up about and document in-real-time my struggle with severe postpartum depression. I had been writing a Mommy Blog, Mommy, Ever After, since the birth of my daughter in 2010. But, after the birth of my son in October of 2013, I was walloped; transformed into a person whom I no longer recognized. As I explained to my then 3.5 year old son back in October, I was sad. Supremely, devastatingly sad. My story is not unlike so many other women’s stories. My world turned gray. I was plagued by guilt. At my worst, I lost the will to live. And, because it is so well-documented and, fortunately, discussed, everyone knew what was going on with me. I had postpartum depression.  Even though people did not always understand it entirely, every person I knew had some idea of what I was experiencing. They knew because celebrities had spoken out about it. Because it had become a buzzword. But, in order to truly tell my story, I must back up. I did not just suffer from severe postpartum depression; I suffered from severe prenatal anxiety and depression; I just did not know it. The refrain continued. As I explored my experience in therapy, finally identifying, through my postpartum treatment, that I had been suffering for months prior to my son’s birth, I realized just how paralyzed I had been by my prenatal distress. Yes, I spent a lot of time crying (to friends, family members, physicians). Yes, I once stormed out of Bloomingdales after my mom and I tried to pick out a layette for my son, only to find that everything for a boy had either a teddy bear or was light blue (and, in that moment, I decided that I hated both teddy bears and light blue). Yes, I told my neurologist, whom I saw for a complex migraine, that I did not want my baby when I was 33 weeks pregnant. And out of all of these episodes, he was the only one to take notice. Dr. Schulman said to me, “I am not worried about anything neurological with you. But, I am worried that you are going to have this baby and develop a walloping case of postpartum depression.” I knew what to look for after the baby was born, but I did not know how to identify the suffocating, devastating effects of prenatal distress as I was living through it. On October 24, 2013 my son was born and I fell in love with him. I just fell out of love with life.  And that is why, on that cold day in February, when he was just 4-months-old, I decided to open up to my readers. I would tell them, in “the hardest post I’ve ever written,” that happy, enchanted “Mommy, Ever After” was in a black hole of despair. And the response was incredible. The blog’s popularity soared, my readership grew and I began to connect with so many women, all of whom shared some part of my story; my struggles. Then, the refrain began to change. It no longer came from me. I had helped even one woman (which I say so humbly and with tremendous gratitude). And these people (women, their partners, caregivers, professionals) wanted more. They asked me to write a book. And that is how “Beyond the Baby Blues: Anxiety and Depression During and After Pregnancy” was born. It was not easy (and the former pun was completely intended as this was a labor of love) but it was so worth it. “Beyond the Baby Blues” has been another game changer for me, as it symbolizes something far greater than when I first hit publish on that hard post nearly four years ago. This book is big for me for so many reasons, but, more than anything else, it is because I can reach a broader audience and help more people. Just with the act of having written this book, and getting published, I am able to show so many people that there is color on the other side of the gray. It takes hard work, but it can be done. In fact, my book is structured to emphasize that quite deliberately. It is “A Happy Story” “A Hard Story” and then “A Hopeful Story” and it shows everyone (sufferers, caretakers, students, teachers, doctors, humans) that no matter how far into the abyss you or a loved one might sink, there is still a tiny bit of light that shines from above. And if you keep your eye on that prize—that light—there can be magic on the other side. And, in doing the climb back from the bottom, there is so much strength to be gained. “Beyond the Baby Blues” is special to me in a way that is hard to articulate, but I am particularly proud of this book because it is a real resource about prenatal anxiety and depression. It is the book that I needed when I was pregnant in 2013. It includes actionable advice, psychological research and the story of a girl who was confused, sad, hurting, lonely, afraid, depressed and lost. But, it also includes the story of how that girl is now clear-headed, OK, strong, surrounded by the right team, competent, a work-in-progress and, of course, found. I still seek treatment for my post-postpartum. I still suffer from anxiety and I have a diagnosis of PTSD. I still have dirt under my fingernails, embedded there, from my arduous climb. I am grateful for that dirt. It reminds me of where I was and how far I have come. Today, I am happy. I am not happy all day every day, but I find joy in life, again. I laugh with my kids as I learn from them. My daughter is now 7.5 and my son is 4 and they are best friends; they even share a bed every night. My husband and I, having struggled through the hard story, have found strength in our relationship that we never thought possible. He gives me butterflies, again. I spend my days writing, being a mom, having an occasional band-practice (because one of my favorite hobbies is singing in an acoustic duo), driving carpool, sharing my story and going to many different therapy sessions (including with a psychologist, psychiatrist, dietician and family/couples therapist). I have fortified my village and the people who are in my life today are here for a reason. I am happy to say that I no longer hate teddy bears. “If this can help one woman then it is worth it.” Just now, truly, just as I sit here and type this today I am having a realization. I kept saying that line, over and over, every time I decided to open up about something difficult. And now I realize the most important truth of all. I have helped one woman. Myself. If you enjoyed this blog, we recommend you read this article. To find a postpartum specialist, please click here...
  • I told My 3.5 year old Son About My Postpartum Depression

    I told my son about my postpartum depression On October 23, 2013 I gave birth to my second child, a little boy, with fuzzy-yellow hair, a dimple in his chin and bright blue eyes. When he was first placed next to me – as I was still open on the Operating Room table during my cesarean section – I sang to him and, I swear, he smiled.   Ten days later I got a text from my husband. It read, “Are you OK? I see the light going out in your eyes.” I was not OK. I was suffering. I now know that I was facing (fighting) severe postpartum depression. My perinatal distress came as a surprise to me and to my loved ones, as I did not have many of the traditional risk factors for the affliction; I did not have postpartum depression with my daughter; I had not formerly suffered from depression; I had no family history; I had a loving husband, tight knit group of friends and close family. And yet, in the Winter of 2013, a dark plague took over my life and I am now proud to call myself a survivor.   Now, nearly four years later, I am much healthier in every way, but I do still face some residual effects from my prenatal and postpartum anxiety and depression. I seek help from a psychologist, psychiatrist, dietician (I dropped to an unhealthy weight as a result of my depression), couple’s therapist and all of the members of my tribe. My anxiety, while managed, is something that I have to fight through every day. My depression has abated tremendously; I can find joy, again. I am functional. But, the one thing that has yet to really go away is probably the most meaningful (and troublesome) of all: The Guilt.   I feel so terribly guilty. I feel guilty that I have spent almost four years as the “identified patient”. I feel guilty for making my loved ones worry. I feel guilty for exhausting them with my woes. I feel guilty about the toll that this has taken on my seven-year-old daughter. I feel guilty about the hard work that we have had to do on our marriage. But, nothing the compares to the guilt that I feel in relation to my son. I was not the same mother to him that I was to my daughter. We did not spend his early days swirling around in tutus or catching snowflakes on our tongues. Rather, we spent his first couple of months in a black hole (figuratively) and in the Emergency Room (literally). And, there is this other thing. It is the thing that is the hardest to say. I shared it recently on the blog, and so that I do not have to stumble to find the words again, I will say the same thing that I did there. It is so hard:   I do not know what it is like to feel the mad-insane-over-the-moon-enchanted-best-feeling-in-the-world-heart-exploding-love over a newborn baby boy between days 10 and 365 of his life. I follow many other mom bloggers and influencers on social media, and I see them with their infant sons and they talk about a kind of love that is so strong it crushes one’s heart and they say things like, “Time, please slow down, I want to savor every moment with my little boy,” and “I never thought I would find a love like this and I have never felt happier or more whole in my entire life. He completes us,” and every time I read one of these posts I feel a punch to the gut.   When I am faced with something that evokes a strong emotion in me, I do not compartmentalize, but rather I get it out. And so, that is what I did with my little boy. The older he gets, the more he hears me talk about my struggles. He knows that I see a “worry doctor” and hears me say things like, “I write about maternal mental health, as I had a really hard time when I had my son.” I never, ever want him to feel as though it is his fault, or that I love(d) him less or that I would not do it all over again if it meant that it would bring him into my life. I love him intensely. Let me be extremely clear: from the second he was born I have loved my son and I have loved him every single day of his life, even when times were at their darkest for me, and I have ALWAYS, unwaveringly, been grateful for his existence. I think that he is one of the smartest, sweetest, bravest humans that I have ever known, and his stubborn streak will no doubt serve him well. BUT, after he was born, my life kind of fell apart. I often wonder how much this has impacted my him. Over the years I have been asked if I think that he feels less close to me because of my postpartum distress. These questions were not intended to be mean, but also not rhetorical. The people were honestly asking if I believe that my son did not bond with me as wholly as an infant and if I think that it has impacted our relationship and if it continues to impact our relationship today.   Earlier this month, my son and I were snuggled up on the living room couch. We don’t get a tremendous amount of time alone together, and I try my best to really make it count. Of course I even feel guilty for that. We were snuggling and I was staring into his crystal blue eyes and loving on him and the guilt washed over me, almost suffocating me. I mustered up the courage and, choking on my words, said one of the hardest things that I have ever had to say. “Can we talk about something?” I asked. “No,” he said, with a devilish grin. “Do you know how much I love you?” “No,” he said again, smiling. I held his little body close to mine. “Hey, so when you were born, I loved you so much. And did you know that when you came out you had yellow hair?” “Why?” “I don’t know!” “How did it turn red?” “I don’t know! I have no idea! It was magic. And when I first held you, when I was still getting surgery, guess what I did? I held you—well, I couldn’t even hold you, but they put you next to my face and I sang ‘Mommy Loves the Baby’ and “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’ to you.” “Did you sing ABCs?” “No. I didn’t. But, I sang and I kissed you. And it looked like you smiled. And then, when I held you the first time, you nursed right away.” “What color hair did I have when I was growing?” “Red.” “And then I had yellow?” “Yes. But I need to tell you something.” The world around me stopped. I could barely breathe. But, I fought on. “When you were born, I loved you so much. So so so much. I loved having you. But, I also had a hard time. I got a little sad. I just wanted to tell you.” “Why did you get sad?” “I don’t know, love. But I loved you up to the moon and stars. And then I did some things to make me better.” And we talked about the worry doctors and my dietician and how I have worked every day to feel better. I had told him about my sadness, and so I wanted to make sure that he understood. I asked him. “So, now what am I?” –Pause— “Adult?” “An adult?” “Yeah!” “I guess that’s true! And am I happy?” “Yeah!” I pulled him even closer to me and told him how much I love him. I asked him if he had any questions. He did not. I asked him if he understood. He said that he did. I am not sure if this would be considered the right or wrong move in a textbook, but, I will tell you, it was the right move for us. I guess if I am looking for the merit in this talk it is that I showed my son that there was a problem but that there was also a solution. That I had an issue, and I can’t explain why, but that instead of letting it own me or define me I took charge; I sought help; I allowed myself to feel and I allowed myself to heal. Now, I am NOT saying that I am “all better” and that I am cured from all of my woes. Not even close. But “better” is not the same as “all better” and the former? I am. I am almost years and metaphorical lightyears away from the winter of 2013. I have light in my eyes. Today, I am many things. I am an author/writer/blogger. I am a mental health and healthcare advocate. I am a singer, a dance-partier, a student & teacher of life. I am a wife. A daughter. A friend. A mother. I am not perfect, but I am honest. And, I think that I would take the latter over the former any day. My children are raised in a home where we have normalized feelings, and the fact that not all feelings are happy, but that they are all OK. My kids know that I will always be honest with them, that I work very hard to take care of myself—something which I am trying to model for them—and that they are oh so loved. Although our journey may not have been the one that I had planned, my son and I forged our own chapters in life’s book. I told him about my postpartum depression, but that is not at all what defines me to him. I am his mommy; the one who will always put on a record and twirl with him; the boo-boo-kisser; his weekly chocolate-chip cookie date; a person who laughs and cries, but then laughs, again. We suffered, but we survived. We had the happy, and then we had the hard, but now, most of all, we have hope. Rebecca Fox Starr is a Philadelphia-based author, blogger, podcaster and mental health advocate. She created her internationally-read blog, Mommy, Ever After, in 2010, following the birth of her first child. When she became pregnant with her second child in 2013, Rebecca suffered from prenatal anxiety & depression and subsequent severe postpartum depression. Rebecca writes candidly about her life as a mother, survivor, advocate, singer/songwriter, dance-partier and studded-shoe collector. Her story has been featured in The New York Times, HuffPost, on ABC News and in all forms of media across the world. Her first book, “Beyond the Baby Blues: Anxiety and Depression During and After Pregnancy” is being released by Rowman & Littlefield Publishing House in January, 2018. Rebecca lives and writes with her husband, daughter, son and Yorkie in the suburbs of Philadelphia. More about Rebecca can be found on her website at www.MommyEverAfter.com and on social media outlets @mommyeverafter.  ...
  • Let’s talk about Postpartum Depression for the Stay at Home Mom

    Let’s talk about the classic portrait of Postpartum depression, postpartum depression for the Stay at Home mom. There was an article recently titled:  Why Didn’t Anyone Warn Me About Stay-at-Home Mom Depression?   I liked the title -I think the title hits you like a powerful punch on the head regarding the shock many women encounter as they  struggle with postpartum depression as a stay at home moms. Think The Hours when the wife lies in her bed and fills the room flooding. The author illustrates beautifully the overwhelm that one feels during a bout of serious depression.  As Sheryl Sandberg wrote in Lean In, there are two demographics that usually feel the lull to the stay at home mother world, the ultra wealthy or the very poor. The middle class usually can not afford this option and the very poor as well, but the stay at home mother who has the ultra successful husband tends to fall into this awful middle zone, where they are educated ambitious and then end up looping around the same cul-de-sac in their minds: The I have the choice to be at home with my kids, we make too much money already, I will be at home with my kids, and why is this so exhausting. Postpartum Depression for the stay at home mom is the most difficult hurdle. There is too much stigma and too much isolation for both being a stay at home mother an for having postpartum depression. The way to break free of this isolation is to start seriously talking about it and seriously treating it.  Being a stay at home mom is incredibly hard work, you never get a break, or a boss to tell you to go home now, or a pay check. It is also incredibly rewarding, but unfortunately our cultural narrative does not give these people, stay at home moms or dads much weight to their intelligence and ambition the day they stated: I am going to stay home and take care of my family. It is a life altering powerful moment, and can be changed as well at anytime, but if there was no stigma to it, if it were seen as a sign of intelligence to stay at home, I wonder if more people would take this route and if the people who did would feel more secure and excited and supported in doing so, and therefore less depressed and isolated. If you enjoy this article, please read: https://postpartumproject.com/prevent-postpartum-depression/ “Nothing is lost. . .Everything is transformed.” ― Michael Ende, The Neverending Story...
  • Postpartum Doulas Why hire a doula?

    The postpartum period is so full of discovery, transition and in some ways uncertainty. This is where having a doula present can mean so much to a new family. In the flurry of sleepless nights, breastfeeding challenges and diaper changing, a mother needs to feel supported.  How can a doula offer support during the postpartum period? Well, just as a doula may have been present for the birth, she may also be present to help a mother find her way during the postpartum period. This does not necessarily mean coming to the home and taking over care of the baby, but assisting where needed. Sometimes this means helping with a baby’s first bath, or providing a nourishing meal and possibly doing a load of the baby’s laundry. The key to a healthy postpartum period is support! Providing support will also mean lending, not only one’s hands to the new family; but their ears as well. Some mothers find solace and joy in retelling their birth story; however it may have turned out.   Sharing her journey helps her to move forward, as she is able to put the pieces together to form her experience.  A doula can listen intently, not to respond, but to affirm a mother’s unique birth story.  This may be an emotional experience in many ways, and every mother may not want to share. It is helpful for her to know she is welcome to if she likes. Let us also not forget how the other family members are processing their feelings during the postpartum period. There will no doubt be many changes to adjust to; especially for siblings and partners. It is very important for communication to continue during the postpartum period. What activities can encourage bonding between all family members? How can the doula suggest or even provide such options?  A doula can be available during busy transitioning times like after school (for older siblings) when mom might be feeling overwhelmed.  A doula can offer words of encouragement; ensuring everyone that the postpartum period is indeed challenging, but so amazing at the same time.  When a mother feels supported after the birth of her baby, she can focus her energy on healing and caring for her newborn. “Postpartum doulas are the latest (and earliest) trends.”  Zoe Hicks, Postpartum Project Founder...
  • Integrated Postpartum Care

    There is no question that paying the right medical attention to any patient is probably the most important factor. South Africa offers an integrated postpartum care system. Meaning they ensure all professionals work in concert with one another to meet the needs of the mother… The failure to deliver such a fast and high quality medical service can result in serious adverse effects and can even lead to death.  But in most cases, medical students and health care providers forget about the emotional and psychological aspect of taking care of the patient and focus only on the clinical aspect. This is something that South African Medical Schools paid increasing attention to. South Africa accordingly decided to train their students to be able to deliver this kind of care and attention. For example, if a pregnant woman came with a serious health problem.  Doctors and the nurses would do their best to deliver the best health care and the utmost attention to see how she is and if the baby is still alive and in good condition. But they would totally ignore or neglect the fact that all this time, the woman and her family are probably worried sick and just need someone to talk to them. Most of the time, we’ve seen doctors running across hallways to save lives but the patients and their families just felt neglected because nobody talked to them or explained to them what was going on. Sometimes, this task was left to the nurse or the midwife although they are not the primary health care providers in this scenario. By the same token, South Africa also worked so hard to combine all the people involved with the care associated with child, birth and parenthood as an effective system. A system that will provide the needed psychological and clinical care. This involved everybody from doctors, psychologists, midwives, nurses and social workers, as well as, those involved in the legal aspects in one single professional body. This cross disciplinary body managed to put women and families as the center of attention and care to overcome the neglect given to the emotional aspect of treatments. This cross disciplinary body is similar to what we are doing here at the Postpartum Project....
  • The best Postpartum Care

    The best Postpartum care is in Russia! Yes, Russia. Having a baby is a big transition and a significant change to the mother, the father and everybody in the family. Ironically enough, most countries neglect or ignore the significance of this event and focus only on the clinical aspects associated with delivery. Russia has a very effective monitoring system that has been in action since the days of the Soviet Union. Their system would pay close attention and collect data related to all pregnant women. This is in order to provide them with the essential clinical and psychological care before, during and after the delivery. This concept is not widely spread across the world. Most countries implement a health system that would take care of the mother and the baby before and during delivery. After the mother is sent home, there will be no attention given to her or to the newborn except with regards to vaccination and baby clinics. There is no kind of education or emotional support given to the families that are dealing with having a baby although sometimes the transition can be overwhelming. The Russian system employs specially trained health care givers who would actually help the mother and the child at home for the first month or two after delivery where the mother needs all the help she could get in dealing with her newborn and in setting a system for her new life. Then the mother and the child will be cared for in clinics over the next year. The system focuses on postpartum support that many countries, including Canada is not so strong on. This support involves paying attention to the emotional and psychological needs of the parents who are still taking their first steps into the world of parenthood and is meant to help them through the transition. The psychological attention given can have a great effect on the parents’ emotional adjustment.   If you liked this article, feel free to read this article....
  • Perinatal Care for Postpartum Health, an exploration of Moldova

    Perinatal care in Moldova. We give them an A plus! Perinatal care for postpartum health, perinatal care emphasizes on preventative health care that involves general and regular checkups. These check ups are meant to detect serious and potential health problems before they happen or at an early stage. The early detection of these problems makes them easier to be treated before they manifest, spread and have a serious adverse effect. Moldova understood the concept and importance of perinatal care They realized that is not just a social necessity but also an economic one. Moldova looked for a way to invest its limited resources to achieve the best benefits and chose to reform and fix the health care system. The early detection of different health problems with pregnant women will allow doctors to prescribe the right medication and course of treatment before the disease or the health problem become so prominent and would have a positive effect the postpartum quality of life. The system pays equal attention to the clinical and emotional aspects of the health of pregnant women and their babies, before and after delivery. The country administered a total reform to the health care system by improving the kind of education provided to all people involved in the health care industry from doctors of different practices, to nurses and midwives who help in detecting and dealing with the early symptoms of dangerous health conditions. They also invested in family centered care that didn’t just offer medical care, but also emotional and psychological care that would address family related emotional and psychological problems. The reform in Moldova went as far as training and hiring certified psychiatrists and psychologists at every maternity hospital after realizing the importance of the emotional support that needs to be given to families that are expecting babies. These special psychiatrists and psychologists are specifically trained to deal with the psychological and emotional needs of pregnant women and even the staff dealing with them. This health care model sets an example for other countries. If you enjoyed this article, please read this article....
  • Postpartum Care, the First Forty Days

    Postpartum care, the first forty days, can feel very daunting. Basically, it is the baby’s fourth trimester. Our bodies are too small to carry the baby to term so to speak, so in the most authentic sense all babies are born premature. Ideally we would have them in our womb for another trimester, but our heads get too big! Amazon summarizes this beautiful book best: “The first 40 days after the birth of a child offer an essential and fleeting period of rest and recovery for the new mother. Based on author Heng Ou’s own postpartum experience with zuo yuezi, a set period of “confinement,” in which a woman remains at home focusing on healing and bonding with her baby, The First Forty Days revives the lost art of caring for the mother after birth.” The First Forty Days includes simple recipes, because food is healing, and really engages the mother in self care. We have this inordinate pressure to bounce back immediately, but actually the first forty days of postpartum care can be a time of renewal, connection to the baby and care for the body and self, if we have the luxury of being able to do this.  Many mothers do, and many mothers simply do not have the economical resources or the strength too, if they are looping through a postpartum depression.  Many mothers lead single mother life immediately as they live far away from family and their husbands work a lot, or they are single mothers by choice, or not by choice,  but ideally this would be amazing if every mother could incorporate even a part of this approach! This is a beautiful book. Feel free to read the author’s, Heng Ou’s, interview right here. One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening. Franklin P. Jones...
  • Infertility and Postpartum

    Infertility and the postpartum period can be challenging. All that work to have a baby and then you are hit with a wall of depression. That is very difficult, mothers and fathers are laden with a lot of guilt for the experience of the depression.  The reminder of this blog is that it is irrelevant how difficult getting pregnant was, postpartum depression is postpartum depression.  Depression is not a character flaw, it is an illness, which brings usually a mixed state of heightened anxiety and numbness. A new innovative app was launched called Fruitful Fertility. We encourage you to click here to check it out. This brilliant app matches a couple dealing with infertility to a mentor who has dealt with infertility.  It is an excellent mentorship program, because only mothers and fathers who have experienced infertility fully understand how frustrating it is to try and try and try. Fruitful Fertility writes:  Fear. Frustration. Financial stress. Each aspect of infertility sucks. But the worst part is feeling isolated; like no one understands what you’re going through. That’s why we created Fruitful. A free mentorship program where those beginning their fertility journey are matched with a supportive individual who’s experienced it firsthand. We encourage any mother out there who has had fertility issues to sign up. The other part of this is helping others is a great defense against depression, that and of course, seeing a therapist. And always remember: the postpartum period is one phase. My best friend hated the postpartum period and is one of the best moms I know.   Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness. Desmond Tutu  ...
  • Why America needs doulas…

    My neighbor had a baby three weeks ago. My two daughters and I had talked about preparing food for them for months in advance and they had lots of input about the newborn vest that I was knitting. I had the honor of meeting this particular baby the night after she was born and seeing the golden glow of her proud mother. Being with my friend in the tender days of postpartum felt natural; like the way humans evolved to connect with each other within their tribe. And yet, as easy and instinctive as it should be, many American families feel isolated and overwhelmed. We tend to trust the “experts” rather than our communities and buy stuff rather than spending time. This is the time to change our anger and stress into love by nurturing one mother at a time.  America needs doulas to witness the pride of a brand new mother- to marvel with her – to listen to the small and big details of her story.  America needs doulas to prepare nutritious food for new families so that bodies can heal with the aid of warming and comforting food. I was summoned to visit them on day three.  This is a notoriously hard day when the milk comes in and hormones go haywire. I got mother and baby comfortably settled and sent dad and older sister off to do some errands. I gave hugs and validated the realness of the shift in her family. America needs doulas to listen to mother’s struggles and celebrations and help them settle into the slow pace of life with a newborn. I gave her recommendations for lactation counselors and set up a meal train for friends to drop off dinner when her husband goes back to work. America needs doulas to connect new families with professionals to ease their transition and encourage their wellness. America needs doulas to help moms find their village so that they have a empathetic support system. But I would say even more fundamental than doulas: America needs women to care for women. America needs to value motherhood. We need to form communities where this kind of postpartum care is standard and not considered a luxury.  Here’s what YOU can do for your pregnant neighbors: Bring them food when a baby is born. A simple, home cooked meal that is prepared with great love. Listen to her birth story.  Admire her baby. Tell her she is a wonderful mother. Do helpful things. Don’t even ask – give hugs, back rubs and tell her to text you her grocery list. Involve your children in your preparation. Let the next generation know what it looks like to care for each other and show them what kind of love they deserve when they have their own babies. ...
  • Single mother by choice

    Are you a single mother or father by choice? Welcome to the Postpartum Project! We salute you.  Statistics show that single mothers by choice are a growing phenomenon, There are 10 million single mother-lead families in the United States (Census). 3x the number in 1960.  25% of families are headed by single moms. (Pew). 40% of babies born in the United States are born to single mothers. (Pew) As a recent divorce, a dear friend of mine who is a proud single mother by choice, urges me to just go online and buy sperm if I want another child. She states the advantages of being a single mother by choice are:  Having a child makes you a man magnet.Why? Because you are no longer needy. You are a self-sufficient hot single mama. When a single mother by choice does date and marry or re-marry, she makes the calls in terms of how to raise her child.No strange co-parenting where the father wants to raise the baby Hindu and you want to raise her as a Jew. It is empowering. It takes courage to go against the grain, be brave. Take that leap.   Be brave. Take risks. Nothing can substitute experience. Paulo Coelho...
• • Co-sleeping and Bed Sharing

    Co-sleeping, To co-sleep or not to co-sleep…? This is the question. The more westernized the country becomes, the lonelier.  So, of course in our country it is a big no-no to co-sleep or bed share.  I am not a doctor, I am a therapist, and essentially an anthropologist. Everything we do is embedded in the context of our culture, i.e. brainwashing.  We do this, because humans are social animals, and we would rather be brainwashed than isolated. Isolation, especially in tribal times, was incredibly dangerous. It still is. We are brainwashed into the idea of marriage, which initially was simply a business contract between two men where a woman was considered property, indentured servitude.  We are brainwashed into monogamy. Maybe it is the correct course of action, but it is not actually how our bodies are designed. We are brainwashed into the school system. Schools were initially established to acclimate a person to the factory work day. There were major protests when schools became required, not learning, but schooling which in many cases is entirely different. Think about the geniuses who never had formal schooling. The real Good Will Hunting guy never went to school and taught himself math. This is one example, amongst hundreds. Because our culture brainwashes us, when our intuition rises we have to work incredibly hard to continue to listen to it. The worst is when our intuition clashes with the predominant values and mores of the culture we were born into.  In other words, if you intuitively feel better co-sleeping, then go for it. If you do not, then don’t. If you take any drugs, including sedatives, or drink or combine the two, do not co-sleep.  It is very difficult to not be aware of your baby. I co-slept with my baby. I even let my baby sleep on her tummy, after I was advised that it is okay, by a leading expert: one of my dearest friends who had all four of her kids sleep on their tummies.  In the anxious state I was in, I watched my daughter like a hawk while she slept on her tummy, but ultimately it was good for her. Doctors do not know why SIDS happens.  My baby sleeping on her tummy allowed her to sleep deeper and build those tummy muscles. Tummy time was a breeze.  I am not saying to do what I did. According to doctors, it is not advised. What I am emphasizing, emphatically, is to listen to your intuition.   The one and only time I will every quote Jewel, but she has a point: “Follow your heart, your intuition. It will lead you in the right direction.”  ...
  • Your Favorite Celebrites are Just Like You, Celebrities experience Postpartum Depression

    Gwyneth Paltrow speaks of her experience with Postpartum Depression with ET. “Luckily, [my case] was low grade enough that I didn’t have to be hospitalized, but it’s a very debilitating thing, and I think there’s so much shame around it and there shouldn’t be,” she told ET. “It’s something that happens, it’s something that befalls many women after they have a baby, and for me, it ended up being a wonderful opportunity to explore some underlying issues that I think the depression kind of brought out.” Brook Shields speaks of her Postpartum Depression “I really didn’t want to live anymore,” she admits frankly. She says that, during this time, simply seeing a window was enough to prompt her to think, “‘I just want to leap out of my life,’ but then the rational side of me [would say], ‘You’re only on the fourth floor. You’ll get broken to bits and then you will be even worse.'” Drew Barrymore experienced postpartum depression after her second child. ‘I didn’t have postpartum the first time so I didn’t understand it because I was like, “I feel great!”‘ she told the magazine. ‘The second time, I was like, “Oh, whoa, I see what people talk about now. I understand.” It’s a different type of overwhelming with the second. I really got under the cloud.’ Three celebrity icons go thru postpartum depression. With the statistics, it is just a matter of time before this awful illness is highlighted in the media. I love that these mothers so eloquently exposed their experience to the media, and shared their moments after the fact.  They exemplify how this was one phase of their motherhood experience, and not only did it not define their personhood, it allowed them to deepen their empathy and awareness to all mothers and fathers who experience postpartum depression, anxiety and or OCD.  The less secretive the illness is, the less shame, the sooner a mother or father can get help… earlier the diagnosis, the better the prognosis.  ...
  • Benefits of going back to work, off-ramping and on-ramping

    The benefits of going back to work all depend on the mother, the house, the family and the baby, as well as of course, the finances. Many women do not have the option to not go back to work. Many of them end up feeling overwhelmed and anxious in the work place as they long to be at home. Other mothers have the option of staying home and then end up overwhelmed by the lack of schedule or socializing that the work place afforded them.  The people who are most likely not to go back to work are the very wealthy or the very poor.  Working as a stay at home mom is hard work, you never actually have a break, or a sick day, or for that matter, external validation, like a pay check. So, stay at home moms end up feeling ignored and worthless sometimes, when in actuality, it is an art to coordinate alone all that is needed to be done for one household. At the same time, for many mothers, it simply does not fit with their personality structure to stay at home. When we analyze it on the extrovert introvert spectrum and for their sense of self, for their sanity, they need work.  And once they are working, they feel better. Mental health and work outside the home are strongly correlated, for several reasons.  There is an embedded structure in the work day and an embedded community in the work force that fosters mental health and clarity. Sandberg in her pivotal book, Lean In, calls staying at home off ramping and going back into the outside work force as on ramping. A boss I had once at a clinic I worked at was amazing with this.  She off ramped for 10 years.  And then when she went back into social work, she immediately was hired as a director for the work she had done ten years ago.  Not all mothers have this option, because some occupations are the type where you need to stay on the ball, but many actually are not effected by a decade of absence.  The primary question is does it fit your needs to work outside of the home or to stay at home?...
  • Surviving the newborn stage

    I wanted to have a baby since I was fourteen years old.   The desire to have a child of my own awoke within me one evening when I was babysitting.  The child had a stomach ache and I held her, crying in my arms, until her parents came home.  Only her parents could soothe her, I could not.  I felt the tremendous power of her need for them as she held onto me with her tiny hands,  I wanted to experience a bond like that in my life.  I wanted to be the one who was wanted, needed and capable of soothing the child.   It took me 26 years to finally hold my own precious baby in my arms.   There could be no doubt that this child was wanted.  I had suffered years of desperation and fear that I wouldn’t have a child.  And yet, when she arrived I thought, “Oh, damn, what have I done?”  I got really scared.   I thought I’d been duped into having a child by some vast parent conspiracy that tricked people into having babies by saying, “It’s so great!” when it’s really misery. Now that my child is 10, I can tell you honestly: having a child has been the greatest joy in my life.   Additionally, the beginning was a bit of nightmare.  Every parent is different, though, and I may have been an unusually anxious mama.  But don’t feel like something is wrong with you if you’re having a hard time.  It’s challenging for everyone.  Like any new job, it’s a bit uncomfortable when you’re the new guy who doesn’t know how to do their job yet.  It takes awhile to learn the different sounds and meanings of your child’s cries.  It takes awhile to find the tools you need to take care of the baby and yourself. Here’s my best advice. Don’t be afraid of your feelings: Acknowledge, express and accept your feelings.  They’re an important part of this grand adventure. Join a mother’s support group:  Being able to share what I was experiencing and learn from others and simply have company…saved my life. Take care of yourself: Sleep, eat well, bathe, get out of the house, don’t isolate – see friends, let your partner parent also. Kiss and Cuddle: Your child and your partner…especially when you feel like you’re going off the deep end.  Instead of yelling or running away, try leaning in for a kiss or a cuddle, smell your baby’s head, kiss their little fingers, put your arms around your partner and feel their warmth and support.  Reconnect to your love when you’re feeling the opposite and this will soothe all of you and help you return to a calmer state of mind.   © Copyright 2017 Rena Pollak All rights reserved.  ...
  • Maternity Leave, the fourth trimester.

    Some people, who do not know, will think maternity leave is a vacation, in some ways it is, and in others, it is not. 1. Renegotiate boundaries in your body, mind and spirit. Your baby is in what we call, her fourth trimester.  Basically, your baby is supposed to incubate inside you for another three months, but our heads are too big, so instead we are born three months too early so that wee little humans can actually exit the womb.  What does this mean for you during your maternity leave?  That you will be woken up about every 3 hours and that your baby will sleep about 18 hours a day.  The 18 hour a day sleeping your baby needs gives you time to rest. The urge may be to to start that business you always wanted to, to open up your work email, to reorganize every closet (not my urge, but I am sure it is many people’s), maybe even to clean in general. Your work is to rest as much as possible.  Sleep deprivation is a form of human torture for a reason.  And not having a full 6-8 hours of sleep in a row will wear you down after awhile.  But resting does not mean sleeping, you can read your favorite magazines or some great novels. Maternity leave can feel like a vacation in some ways. This is time with you and your baby. It is special (and can be challenging.)  Ultimately, in order to truly enjoy this time, you will be renegotiating boundaries. Asking yourself, what does and does not have to really be done? Does all the laundry have to be washed and folded? No just washed, maybe washed. Just worn, not inside out. 2. Sleep when the baby sleeps If you can sleep when the baby sleeps, this is a wonderful thing. The tricky place here is that many people have partners that almost immediately go back to work, so in these situations, shall we call it sleep or passing out?  As one of these mothers, my former husband went back to work almost immediately and I was left taking care of the baby on my own. He and I chose this, as we chose to live far away from family. The tricky part about this is: yes it is incredibly fulfilling to take care of your baby, and everyone needs a break.  Postpartum depression or not, the last thing a new mother feels comfortable doing is leaving a newborn with a sitter, because the sitter is a stranger and your baby is not verbal. So, sleeping when the baby sleeps will feel great. Hiring a sitter for a couple of hours a day, if possible, is wonderful as well. 3. Join a mama group or support group of some kind. I joined a stroll in at the local Y in the East Village. This was fantastic, basically you stroll in with your baby and sit around with a group of mothers and have group therapy. Did I make my friends at this stroll in? Not really. I made my friends once I moved out of the East Village and into Brooklyn.  There we had baby parties, where I met all my mom friends. This was amazing. Sometimes, you have to dig around, and sometimes, there will be this intuitive urge to move, do it.  (If you feel the need to move and it is possible, move during month 5 or 6 of your maternity leave) not during the fourth trimester,  Botton line, listen to every morsel of intuition that is positive and proactive for the long term benefits of you and your family, Sleep for your body. Read for your mind. Build support and community for your spirit. First thing in the morning, we’re really tired, and we look at each other and we wonder, ‘Are we ever going to get sleep?’ And yet, it doesn’t matter if you don’t get sleep. It’s an honor to take care of them. – Angelina Jolie Written by Zoe Hicks If this article interests you, we highly recommend reading Everything You Need for Your Baby According to Science...
  • A mother’s advice for going back to work

    It can sometimes be a very difficult decision on whether a new mother should or shouldn’t go back to work. When there is a financial necessity, or course, the decision is made. However, when a mother goes back to work because she enjoys work, she can often have feelings of guilt and shame surface, as well as face negative emotions from others. At postpartum project, we support what is in the best interest of any mother. Below is a list of things to do when forced back to work. Take naps in the bathroom. No one is going to get mad at you for your 15-20 minute dump, so it may seem strange, but shut the door and go to the bathroom, i.e. take a little cap nap.  In this day and age, we have this entire idea of these huge open space offices. What a disaster. There is no time or place to take a nap, unless you work at one of these magical companies like Google that actually has a nap room, what?!  Yes, I agree, no fair.  Get Acupuncture If your eyes start to twitch, or if one of your eyes start to twitch due to exhaustion, go get acupuncture from a reputable resource. Every time I go to acupuncture, it is like a power nap times ten.  I can not adequately explain how rejuvenating it can be. Try to find time to work out three times a week. This one is tricky and may not be fair. As a single mother who commutes, this has dwindled a little bit, but every time I step into a spin class I leave a different person. Happier, more optimistic and a better parent. 45 minutes three times a week is my magic formula. Medicine is designed to give you enough energy to go and work out.   Exercise is an excellent anti-depressant. Especially, exercise where you sprint and work out really hard in intervals. Keep Date Nights Maintaining intimate adult relationships, especially the one with your child’s parent, your spouse, is the healthiest thing you can do for your child, for yourself and for your spouse.  When exhausted, have a good cry. After a good cry, we all just feel better. According to researcher, Bergman, in his article the Miracle of Tears, researchers concluded that chemicals built up by the body during stress were removed by tears,  crying actually lowered stress.  ...
  • Breast Feeding and Anxiety

    We are riding this wave of a breast feeding craze lately.  We have become obsessed and consumed with the idea that breast feeding is the only way to feed the newborn baby. It is also one wonderful way to drive the mother nuts. I will rise to podium and state very eloquently, ‘Well, breast feeding is great and there are alternative options that are great.’ I used formula from day one. I did both, because my baby was in the NICU and the nurse and I wanted her out ASAP. She simply did not belong there, the doctors made a mistake. The nurse and I knew this, but do doctors listen to the hormonal postpartum mother or a cute blond nurse?  Do I sound bitter? I apologize. Breast Feeding Anxiety Breast feeding and anxiety. Do we become anxious and then our milk stops? Or does our milk production stop and then we become anxious? …This question is making me anxious. I remember walking down the streets of Brooklyn after a baby party with my dear hyper intelligent friend who kept crying because her breasts were not producing enough milk. She was convinced this pronounced her as inadequate on some level. I handed her my favorite article about breast feeding. This quote by the author of the article summarizes it best. So overall, yes, breast is probably best. But not so much better that formula deserves the label of “public health menace,” alongside smoking. Given what we know so far, it seems reasonable to put breast-feeding’s health benefits on the plus side of the ledger and other things—modesty, independence, career, sanity—on the minus side, and then tally them up and make a decision. Another portrait of the aftermath of a mother breast feeding with anxiety is a freezer full of breast milk, enough to feed a small army of babies. Was she anxious during her maternity leave? She quietly shares that yes she was absolutely suffering severe anxiety and had no idea who to share this with. My theory with anxiety and breast feeding, I would rather see you have lots of rest and good medicine than a baby full with breast milk. Why is it so difficult to breast feed while anxious? From my understanding, many times the body is signaling to the breasts to stop producing milk during a bout of anxiety, because your body believes you are in danger and this is no time to be sitting around breast feeding. Please, do not tear yourself down if you are not breast feeding and want to. (Please do not tear yourself down about tearing yourself down.) Bottom line: If you need to step off the breast feeding train, it is important to absolutely feel that wave of sadness and frustration and then celebrate, because once you stop breast feeding (or if you are unable to start), you finally own your body again. It is no longer an incubator or a milk production machine, it is yours. A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. Groucho Marx...
  • Insomnia and Postpartum Depression

    Insomnia, Postpartum Depression. It is 3 a.m., your baby is asleep soundly in your bed and you… are wide awake. Insomnia is a very common symptom of postpartum depression. If you begin to get insomnia during the third trimester, or while pregnant, please take extra care to observe within yourself your moods and remain aware that your body’s hormonal happy dance may be signaling that you are vulnerable to a postpartum depression, or it may simply be a bout of insomnia. What is Insomnia? The persistent inability to go to sleep or the inability to stay asleep… I am writing this at 4 am, so I understand.  If you have it, you know it is awful.  My advice as a fellow insomniac: embrace the opportunity for alone time.  My advice as a therapist, develop sleep hygiene. What is sleep hygiene? Sleep hygiene are simple practices, that most of us do not always have the energy for, that will allow for a higher quality of sleep. In accordance to the National Sleep Foundation, the following practices are recommended: Limiting daytime naps to 30 minutes .  Avoiding stimulants such as  caffeine and nicotine close to bedtime.   Exercising to promote good quality sleep.   Steering clear of food that can be disruptive right before sleep.  Ensuring adequate exposure to natural light.   The other trick to getting and staying to sleep is guided meditation. One of my favorites is the 13 minute guided meditation by UCLA titled: Body Scan for Sleep. It begins likes this “This is a guided body scan meditation to help you prepare for sleep As you do the meditation you may find yourself drifting off to sleep This is fine So you can allow the meditation to turn off on its own If you notice thoughts such as worries or concerns arising that take your attention away from the meditation This is also normal See if you can redirect your attention Back to the body scan Gently letting go of these thoughts, if it’s possible…” Reading it just made me fall asleep!  (Just joking.) But this one does work.  Insomnia and postpartum depression are common. You can also simply have insomnia because it is your only time to be alone with your thoughts. This is okay too. You are allowed to enjoy this alone time. I have patches of insomnia, and I’m fascinated by the otherness of the world at night. The stillness. Daytime preoccupations fall away, standards change, thoughts change. It’s a canvas for reinvention, I think. Morag Joss...
  • Paternal Postpartum Depression is very real.

    Paternal postpartum depression is more common than we realize. What is Paternal Postpartum Depression? The clinical term is paternal postpartum depression.  In accordance to this study  [PubMed], 4 to 25 per cent of fathers will experience paternal postpartum depression. Within the academic world of psychology and psychiatry, there are few studies of clinical paternal postpartum depression. However it is very real. Not only is paternal postpartum depression valid, but also the fact that many men feel isolated within the family unit and ignored, subsumed with the demands of work, being paternity leave is largely non existent in the United States. There is also an excellent article written by the peer reviewed journal Psychiatry which outlines what fathers need in the United States in order to reduce the rate of paternal postpartum depression. Below is a quote from their summary of findings: …Educational programs in the community help fathers understand their expected roles. Findings suggest that a program for PPD mothers and their partners is more effective then a program with PPD mothers alone. For the same reason, a program for both PPD fathers and mothers could be more effective to alleviate paternal PPD.” In the NY Times article Postpartum Depression Strikes Fathers Too , the writer paints an intimate portrait of how and why fathers are also susceptible to the same toxic blend of anxiety and depression that new mothers, (one in ten, sometimes one in four mothers) are susceptible to. “The pregnancy was easy, the delivery a breeze. This was the couple’s first baby, and they were thrilled. But within two months, the bliss of new parenthood was shattered by postpartum depression. A sad, familiar story. But this one had a twist: The patient who came to me for treatment was not the mother but her husband.” How can we help? For fathers, different types of support may ease the transition process to fatherhood during the postpartum period. The most effective supports likely come from their partners because paternal PPD is closely related to partners’ mental health and their relationship with the fathers.    It takes a village…   Though it is not studied or recognized as often as Postpartum depression amongst new mothers, the fathers also need support. It takes a village.  The numbers prove this.  More and more organizations are forming to also support fathers, like the Good Dad Project, the Life of Dad, and we will be the first online community to meet both the mother’s needs and father‘s needs. If you see a father who describes his life as “slowly dying,” or says things like “I regret having this baby.” Ask the most important question with sincerity and depth, “How are you?” “How can I be substantial if I do not cast a shadow? I must have a dark side also If I am to be whole” ― C.G. Jung...
  • 10 Ways to Help a New Mom

    Being a new mom is filled with anticipation and joy and love, and then there is this overwhelming need for other’s help. Half the time, I believe we women, have no idea that we need the help of our friends and family until it arrives.  This article is very sweet in outlining 10 ways to help new moms, I highly recommend it.  An eleventh way, is to hire a therapist to come in and do a wellness check From the article… “When a friend has a new baby, it is common to say, “Just let me know if you need anything.” Then she says, “I will!” and the interaction comes to a close. Instead of this exercise in futility, I propose ten ways that you could really help, especially if you’ve had kids already yourself. 1. Run interference on her visiting family members. Hovering mother-in-law? Drop by “coincidentally” and allow her to talk your ear off about her health issues and family gossip. The new mom’s toddler nieces and nephews? Make a fort with them in the backyard. Say repeatedly and loudly that you were just in the neighborhood and your friend had no idea you were going to drop in. (In reality, have a code. A good one is a text along these lines: “SOS. MIL.”) 2. Drop off some maternity clothes for the coming season. It is likely that your friend won’t lose the baby weight by the start of the next season, yet she will be too embarrassed to purchase more elasticized pants. This is where you come in, you do-gooder, you. To view the remainder of the article… click here. This article was written by Samantha Rodman PhD and published in the Huffington Post. Support for New Mothers The Postpartum Project is an online business directory and wellness community which provides support for new mothers as well as access to postpartum specialists and events.  ...
  • The Best Way to Take Care of Your Baby

    The Best Way to Take Care of Your Baby By Stephanie O’Leary, Psy.D. As a new mom, your top priority is taking the very best care of your baby. Even when you’re exhausted, overwhelmed, and doubting your abilities, your desire to give your child everything he or she needs is strong. Amidst the chaos of having an infant, this drive can become intense and may even begin to feel burdensome. This is especially true when you’re struggling to adjust to the demands of motherhood or feeling insecure about your maternal instincts. Add a hefty dose of self-judgment to the mix and it’s easy to start sliding down the slippery slope of guilt with nothing to catch you as you fall. Well, here’s something strong and solid for you to reach for and hold onto: The very best way for you to take care of your baby is to take care of yourself. Self-care is the most important—and least promoted—tool in your mommy toolbox. Using it frequently and unapologetically will set you and your child up for success. So, how can you make this happen? Give yourself permission to take at least 15-minutes a day plus one hour a week of “me-time.” Ask for support. Accept help when it’s offered. And, most important, remember that getting your needs met allows you to be the best possible mom to your little one. It’s not selfish, indulgent, or neglectful—it’s non-negotiable and the more you practice the better you’ll get! Dr. Stephanie O’Leary Dr. O’Leary is a Clinical Psychologist, Author, Mom of Two, and Parenting Expert! Dr. O’Leary offers coaching sessions for families seeking more individualized guidance. These sessions help identify and achieve specific goals while taking into consideration the unique issues that impact your family. Sessions are conduced via phone or video-chat.  ...
  • What is it to be a mother?

    I was sitting at a coffee house in Cobble Hill across from one of the most influential women in New York in the field of maternal mental health advocacy. Inadvertently, the conversation became an intimate exchange of war stories that happened to us during our personal bouts of postpartum depression and how awful it was when we were attempting to access some form of adequate mental healthcare that would diagnose us correctly.  Though we are both mental health professionals, we had no clue to what the hell was going on. You simply can not be your own dentist. In other words, when you are in it, you are in it.   She was seeing a therapist during the initial waves of postpartum depression who was unable to help her. It was only when she almost threw her child and herself in front of a bus, that she turned around and checked herself into the emergency room. I was seeing a therapist and asked for a psychiatrist. She replied, “You can not afford one.” When I finally could afford an overpriced Manhattan psychiatrist, I went to one who simply stated it was dysthymia (low grade depression), and prescribed Sam-E which only triggered an intolerable level of anxiety.   So what really happens during a postpartum depression? Why is it so difficult to diagnose? And why is it so common? Some studies have found 10-15 per cent of mothers will experience postpartum depression. Some studies find approximately 1 out of every 7 mothers, and 1 out of every 10 fathers suffer Postpartum Depression.  So, ultimately, this article is an attempt to clear the foggy lens of postpartum depression. What does a postpartum depression truly look like?   Agitation, anxiety, over reaching.  For my new friend, she was obsessed with breastfeeding and lived in serious fear that she did not  have enough breastmilk for her baby. Once the anxiety settled down, the suicidal thoughts came storming in. For me, it was a feeling of overwhelm and joy. I would feel so content that I had this beautiful child and so very overwhelmed.  The overwhelm catapulted into exhaustion. The exhaustion was exacerbated by stress. The stress drove me to work more and then I simply burnt out and stopped sleeping; all under the mantle of guilt that I was not a good enough mother. That I was neglecting my child somehow. I was not feeding her enough vegetables.  The three days she was in daycare was too long.  My hours were too long at work.  Everything fell into the amorphous overwhelm of “I am not doing this right.”   Eventually, I was finally able to see a good psychiatrist who prescribed the correct medication and I am finally okay. But it took awhile.  Too long in my opinion.  I come from a legacy of postpartum depression. My mother had it and my grandmother.  Though ultimately, the question remains:  What happens?   Though human behavior can not be defined in a few standard patterns, there are some anthropological, biological, and sociological components that drive our modern mother towards postpartum depression. And there are ways we can influence these components to veer our mothers in the right direction.   Psychotherapy, the classic old fashioned your-parents-screwed-you-up psychotherapy, has truly driven an unmanageable wedge into being a human mother.  Human mother, what a great term. You mean, I am human? I can cry sometimes? Yes. Yell at your kids every now and then? Absolutely.  My theory is if you never lose your patience around your children, you are simply not around them enough. And then there is this pressure. Your parents did not screw you up (entirely). There are multiple systems in place that influence your formative years of psychological growth, and one of them is the family system. But there is the school system, the cultural system, the socioeconomic system, the religious system to name a few. They all play a role in your psychological health and growth.  That pressure though. That you are the be all end all for your child and if you make a mistake your child will hate you and cut you off, is very real and very scary for many people, because that is what a lot of awful therapy can do to a person. It can perpetuate a victim mentality and make you hate your parents for life’s inevitable challenges and disappointments and for existential crisis that are inherent in self actualization.   Then there is the isolation factor.  In other cultures around the world, there are family members and friends who come in and teach the new mothers how to take care of her child. There are rituals that celebrate the rites of passage for both parents.  Here, we are lacking a bit in that area. The famous saying, ‘It takes a village to raise a child,’ is true.  I believe it takes 12 people to raise one child.  Many of us do not have this and if you do, bless you.  One client of mine suffers severe anxiety and then noticed that when her annoying in laws came in to help her with her twins for a weekend the anxiety lifted.  These in-laws were not easy people to be around, but despite that, life was a lot easier because of their care and love and attention.  You can not outsource love.  A lot of mothers can afford to hire the nanny or the sitters, but they really can not replace the obnoxious mother in law who adores your kid or the snobby aunt who will do anything for your baby.  Family is family and outsourcing is outsourcing.     So, how to do we shift this terrible tide?  By becoming more aware of the presentation of postpartum depression. That “neurotic” mother obsessed with her baby’s weight probably has postpartum depression. That hippie mother who still wears her child and refuses to use a stroller may have postpartum depression.  And though easier said than done, try to be more gentle with yourself and your extended family.  You are going to make mistakes. That is okay.  Your parents may have made mistakes, that is okay. We learn. We grow.  We heal. We forgive, and that is healing.  Recognize that the pressure is very real in regards to the responsibilities placed on a small parental unit (2 people, sometimes 1, or 1.5 depending on the hours the other partner works)  and be as gentle with yourself as you possibly can. When you recognize yourself judging yourself, do not judge the judging. You are only human.   The upside is that we are learning more and more about postpartum depression and other perinatal mood disorders.  With this knowledge, our mothers are empowered to voice their needs. Written by Zoe Hicks, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Founder of the Postpartum Project, an online directory of therapists who specialize in the treatment of  postpartum depression....
• • Postpartum Anxiety, Stacy’s Story

    What is Postpartum Anxiety? After giving birth to her second child, Stacy* felt overjoyed at first. Adding a daughter to a family which already included her three-year-old son completed her family of four. Plus, she found handling an infant easier the second time around as she was equipped with experience and knowledge. But a few weeks later she found herself crippled with anxiety. “It started when I was driving to the pediatrician’s office,” says Stacy. “All of a sudden, I felt this overwhelming feeling of dread and I had to pull off the road. I didn’t feel safe.”  Eventually, Stacy was able to drive home that day but she had a hard time forgetting that feeling. She worried constantly about her daughter’s well being, often checking on her several times throughout the night to make sure she was still breathing. Driving became an issue as she ruminated about getting into a car accident with or without her children in the car. She rarely felt safe outside her house. “I knew something was not right- I didn’t feel like myself at all,” says Stacy. “But everyone commented on how well I was doing managing the two kids and I didn’t feel depressed -I loved being with the baby so I was confused and all that made it hard to connect the dots. “ Although it does not have its own official diagnosis, according to Postpartum Support International, about 11 percent of new moms experience postpartum anxiety similar to the way Stacy did. Despite it’s prevalence, postpartum anxiety often goes undiagnosed. “Many women don’t recognize postpartum anxiety symptoms because they are not feeling that stereotypical depression and detachment from their child that most people associate with postpartum depression” explains Amy Grimaldi a clinician with Lotus Psychotherapy in Darien, CT. “ As a result, it can take them a lot longer to seek help.” Though some anxiety is adaptive and serves to protect us and our offspring from danger, postpartum anxiety becomes an issue when that anxiety peaks to a level that interferes with functioning. Symptoms such as hyper-vigalance, (a state of constantly being on the look-out for danger), obsessive thoughts, always fearing the “worst,” panic (feelings of unexplained dread), can make it hard to complete the tasks of everyday life. Further, many women also experience both anxiety and depression during the postpartum period. Similar to postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety stems from both biological and psychosocial origins. Hormonal changes like a sudden and drastic drop in progesterone and estrogen after delivery play a big role in the development of postpartum mood disorders as does the lack of sleep which inevitably accompanies life with a newborn. The role transition to parenthood can be overwhelming for a first time mom and even women who have other children can feel inundated with the changes brought on by a new family member. Women with a history of bipolar disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and anxiety disorders may also be more vulnerable to developing postpartum anxiety. Previous losses and traumas, especially those that happened in during a prior pregnancy, can also impact this. “Many times the trauma is not processed immediately but is stored somatically in the body,” states Amy Gustavson, a psychotherapist with Emotional Equity Consulting in New York. “So when a woman gives birth and is in a vulnerable state, she may feel flooded with the feelings of the past trauma, especially if that trauma had something to do with a pregnancy like a miscarriage or still birth.” In addition to medication, psychotherapy effectively treats postpartum anxiety by helping to establish new coping skills when old ones are no longer operable. Modalities such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) reduce negative thoughts which feed anxiety, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) increases mindfulness and reduces stress, and Psychodynamic based therapy provides insight into changing family roles and expectations. Finally, after months of struggling, Stacy decided to confide in her physician about how she was feeling. He prescribed her an anti-depressant and she began seeing a therapist who helped her to develop skills to alleviate her anxiety. A few months later, Stacy began to feel like herself again. “It took me a long time to ask for help, to admit that something was really wrong,” says Stacy. Written by Jen Baumgold, a Postpartum Project Therapist...
  • Motherhood: The Best of Times, The Worst of Times, and Everything In-Between

    “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,” wrote Charles Dickens in his classic A Tale of Two Cities. Of his city and his generation, he went on to say: “It was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.” Shall I be so bold as to say that Dickens could have been writing a tale of motherhood in the early 21st century, 150 years ago? Modern mothering is the best and the worst, light and darkness, hope and despair, all rolled into one. And too few people are talking about it. Motherhood in our day and age offers a whole new set of challenges For starters, thanks to incredible advances in healthcare, so many more newborns and mothers survive the experience of childbirth. Women who, at that time, could not bear a child have more opportunities than ever to become pregnant and have the experience of motherhood. Physicians and parenting experts, midwives and lactation consultants, and even professionals from my field of psychology all have knowledge, guidance, and opinions about how mothers should conceive, birth, and raise their babies. More than ever, it is the best of times, a season of light and hope. But that, of course, is not the whole story. With all of these advances comes enormous pressure—especially for those who take motherhood seriously, who keep up with the information, who want to do it right. The picture-perfect mother takes prenatal vitamins and doesn’t drink alcohol or coffee. No Sushi, no cookie dough. If she has an epidural or can’t get the baby to nurse or sleep: bad, bad, bad. Because of all these pressures and many more, it is the worst of times, the season of darkness and despair. What is a good enough mother? I am often struck by the great divide in our contemporary culture’s view of a good mother. There is either the perfect mother or the very bad mother, and not much in-between. As a psychoanalyst, I work to help people to construct some kind of middle ground because either side of the divide is crazy-making and depressing. Trying to achieve or maintain perfection is a recipe for disaster, and turning away from the challenges of mothering has its own perils, too. Someone needs to offer a better way. From 1943 to 1962, psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott did just that. He gave a series of BBC public radio broadcasts designed for new mothers, shedding light on the everyday emotional and relational concerns of mothers and young children. He believed in “the ordinary devoted mother” and encouraged her to trust her instincts and judgment, with or without all of the cutting edge knowledge that was available. He gave her space free from guilt and anxiety. He gave her room to breathe. Winnicott coined the phrase, “good enough mother,” creating the middle ground that women so desperately need in order to manage the physical and emotional strains that are universal to motherhood. We need more of that these days, for the truth is that the experience of being a mother is not just the best of times and the worst of times; it is everything in-between. Jennifer Kunst, PhD is a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst in private practice in Pasadena, CA. She is the author of the book, Wisdom from the Couch: Knowing and Growing Yourself from the Inside Out (Central Recovery Press, 2014) and the blog, A Headshrinker’s Guide to the Galaxy (www.psychologytoday.com). For more information, visit her website at www.drjenniferkunst.com. Link for Wisdom from the Couch on Amazon:  ...
  • 7 Things I love About Women With Postpartum Depression

    The article, 7 Things I love about Women with Postpartum Depression,  is an empowering piece that illuminates the complexity and beauty within every mother during a postpartum depression. We navigate with both parts of ourselves at work, the parts that are struggling and the parts that are not. In this article, the strength of the person is highlighted within the experience of a postpartum depression. We all have a shadow. Though in order to have a shadow, you need to have light.  I encourage all mothers to read this article, by Karen Kleiman.        ...
  • Maternal Mental Health and Empowerment

    In this article, Swept Under the Carpet: The Psychological Side of Maternal Health and Empowerment, Jane Fisher, professor of women’s studies at Monash University, researched areas where women were second class citizens and explores the topic of women’s rights and mental illness. “Fisher’s research suggests a link between mental health and women’s empowerment. The status and treatment of women plays a formative role in their mental health, she said. The quality of a mother’s relationship with their intimate partner – including factors like whether the partner is polygamous, violent, alcoholic, or rejects the pregnancy – is key.”  writes Chavara. To read more, please go to this link. This seems fairly intuitive. Though, I post this article, because I do not feel this issue is voiced enough....
  • Work life balance in the Ballet World

    A picture paints a thousand words. The work life balance of these dancers. There is joy in these photos, maybe it is the joy and pride emanating from the ballerina takes in pumping out in the open. This photographer explores the balance of work and family life, the joy that is embedded in capturing the challenges of motherhood and fatherhood. As the mother works, the father works as well. Caring for the child, putting her to bed, while the mother performs. This photographer captures the modern challenges of working mothers and stay at home fathers. Here we have a stunning photograph of a dancer practicing with her baby on the piano. I hope this photographer continues this project of exploring the working mother. There are so many portraits of this. A professor happily holding a new mother’s baby while he lectures.       A female professor and new mother who holds her office hours while taking care of her baby. This does speak also to our lack of affordable child care, but it also speaks to the ingenious strength of the family unit.  As the mother ramps up to work, the father ramps up to parenting as a stay at home dad. We see the colleague breastfeeding while pressing reply to a business email on her phone or mothers who decided to run their own businesses for the work/life balance. We are creative, strong, intelligent, ambitious and loving.It is an interesting snapshot in time. We have all of these opportunities, and all of these forks in the road. Where do our passions weave into one another and where do they collide?   Please click here to read the rest of this article.  ...
  • One Portrait of Postpartum Maternal Mental Health

    Postpartum maternal mental health…  What does it look like? Mental health is the ability to tolerate a wide range of emotions, to navigate what we in the therapeutic circles know as the “good enough” mother, to let some things go for the sake of alleviating that exhaustion and to understand when you lose it, that is okay too.  This mother encapsulates it. From what she describes in her article, she is funny, hard working, has the ability to take things in with a grain of salt, and best of all, she knows she is a good mother. There are varied portraits of maternal mental health. This is one of them. Thank you Elisha Wilson Beach for being you. Please read her article, here.  ...
  • Postpartum Depression Statistics, Depression in pregnancy and postpartum overlooked

    Postpartum Depression Statistics The School of Pharmacy at UCSF recently published a study on depression, pregnancy and postpartum. The study concludes that “10-20 percent of women suffer from new-onset depression during pregnancy and after giving birth.” In other words, 1-2 out of every 10 women who have never experienced depression will during pregnancy or right after giving birth. The following finding within the study is more concerning. This finding truly inspired the Postpartum Project. “In addition, even when the pregnant women were diagnosed with depression, the study found fewer than half received any treatment, versus 72 percent receiving treatment in the non-pregnant control group. Women suffering postpartum depression were similarly under-treated.” In other words if you are a depressed woman who is not pregnant, you will have a higher likelihood of being taken seriously and or raising your voice and reaching out for help.  I believe as a culture we are especially hard on ourselves when it comes to parenthood. We expect to be flawless parents. We are all both weak and strong, that is what makes us human. I actually blame psychotherapy on this especially unforgiving expectation we have of ourselves as parents.  When we walk into a psychotherapists office, the clinician is trained to analyze your family system for good reasons, but we have so many systems that influence us.  We have the education system, the religious system, the cultural system. The family system is one of many systems that influence our overall mental and physical health.  When we ignore these systems, we are left further isolating the family. The postpartum depression stigma proliferates.  Isolation hurts. Wellness visits are simple check ins by clinicians trained in the assessment and treatment of depression and anxiety. Please feel free to click on the following link to read further regarding the study. With more accurate education, and more communication, we can treat mothers and fathers earlier and help them return to their prior base line of contentment and wellness. After supper she got out her book and learned me about Moses and the Bulrushers, and I was in a sweat to find out all about him; but by and by she let it out that Moses had been dead a considerable long time; so then I didn’t care no more about him, because I don’t take no stock in dead people. (1.4)  Huck Finn  ...
  • The Weight of Motherhood and Fatherhood, Parenting has stages

    Parenting has Stages, Healing has Stages You can struggle within one stage of parenthood and that is what it is: one stage. The child will pass into another stage and so will the mother and father.  Sometimes we shed the anxiety or depression within the strength of adjustment, sometimes we need extra support along the way. Beautiful Article:  The Weight of Motherhood In this article, the author also illustrates how postpartum anxiety can cause what I term: overreaching.  So the postpartum anxiety or depression does not appear as the classic picture of the distant mother unable to hold her baby, instead it surfaces as an overtired mother unable to let the child not be held or sleep on her own or mom never giving herself time to eat or drink. This overreaching within an episode of postpartum depression and anxiety allows for the illness itself to not be as transparent as the image we see so often in our media. Thus go untreated for years for both mothers and fathers. I spoke with a father once, who said to me “I am slowly dying.” This may sound dramatic, but there is an isolation that can run thru a family that makes the experience appear cohesive and overflowing with love, especially on social media. But, in actuality, both the mother and father are isolated and depressed, and it is not for lack of trying. The most ambitious people I know are severely depressed.  People who suffer chronic depression are the hardest workers I know. It is not a character flaw, and there are many paths to healing. Many women and men definitely grow out of the depression and anxiety, many women do not.  Though ultimately, if you are in the midst of this stage, why muscle through it alone?  We are a culture built on the image of John Wayne, the iconoclastic lone rider, but I am almost certain John Wayne was a 6 pack a day chain smoker.   Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway. Life is tough, but it’s tougher when you’re stupid. Talk low, talk slow, and don’t talk too much. John Wayne...
  • Recovery during the Postpartum Period, The Gift of Time

    What defines recovery from a postpartum depression? Recovery can organically happen after the first three years of your child’s life. Though it is easier on yourself to seek healing before then. Usually when a parent emerges out of a postpartum depression, they say things like “I feel like myself again.” One way to get out of the ditch quickly, is to take medicine. Anti-depressants do not need to be taken for a long period of time. But for a short period of time, it can be very effective.  One pressure, that mothers have is to fully recover in body and mind in a short period of time, but actually it takes quite awhile to feel fully recovered from the child birth. I do not think it is a year, but providing yourself that time eases the pressure we place on ourselves to be fit and back to “normal,” again. When actually, it is a new normal that is established. Link to interesting study Below is a link to an interesting study that encourages mothers to readjust the unrealistic expectation to be back to normal after a few weeks. I think we carry this subconsciously. “Women need a whole year to recover from childbirth despite the ‘fantasy’ image of celebrity moms, study claims.”   This is an insightful article highlighting that not only do we really need longer than 6 weeks to recover, we actually need a year, to adjust both physically and psychologically to child birth. Celebrity moms have resources (and trainers) that we do not have access to. Hence some of them appear stellar after 6 weeks, while the rest of us feel not up to par so to speak. By recognizing that and allowing ourselves that time, we can breathe a bit easier. Be gentle with yourself. “A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave.” Ghandi...